On this week’s Florida Man Friday we’ve got Florida Woman getting stabby with it, the worst magic trick ever, a video showing how not to resist arrest, and much more.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Woman drunk drives golf cart on Florida highway
Before we get started, a burning question: Did police tow away the golf cart?
It sounds like a simple tale of a woman who might have had one too many and decided to take a golf cart for a joyride.
Maybe that’s how it began, I don’t know. But the video shows the evening turned into so much more.
A trucker noticed Florida Woman driving her golf cart down the center lane, saw her passing out, and used his semi to “gently” nudge the cart onto the shoulder.
I wasn’t able to ID everything removed from Florida Woman’s purse but that was an impressive amount of Jack Daniels missing from the bottle, assuming she’d opened it that day.
By my count, it took police almost exactly two minutes to get Florida Woman just partway into the backseat of their cruiser.
It took another 20 seconds to get her back out, even though her legs were still outside the vehicle.
Police needed almost a minute to get Florida Woman back in — cuffed! — and they had to close the door on her leg since she refused to face forward.
“I just want to live my life,” Florida Woman said to the otherwise empty car.
Drunk, and cruising down I-95 in a golf cart.
SCORE: One point each for Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Resisting Arrest, Caught on Video, and Golf.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Nice start, Florida Woman.
Play It Like You Stole It
Florida Man arrested for using Magic card trick to steal Pokemon merch at Walmart
Nice try:
Florida Man allegedly used a specific strategy to take the items away from the store without paying, which involved cards from Magic The Gathering.
It has been alleged that he took the items to the self-checkout line in Walmart without any intention to pay for some of them.
He would manipulate the scanner, the report states, by placing the Magic cards he had already scanned above the non-scanned merch. This meant he was able to bypass the prices being added to his total.
I’m not sure whoever wrote this has ever used a self-scanner. I’m not entirely sure they’ve ever been in a store — a store on Earth, anyway.
I’m also not sure how Florida Man thought this was going to work. Did the Magic cards turn the Pokemon cards invisible and weightless?
SCORE: Stupid Crime, Getting Caught Stupidly, Chutzpah.
RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Recommended: How About Some Positive News About Joe Biden?
Miranda Warning, What Does It Mean?
Florida Woman Charged With Stabbing Roommate Allegedly Told Authorities She’d Been ‘Thinking About Killing Him For A While’
Florida Man is going to be OK. That’s the good news.
The bad news is everything else, which was caught on video on a night when Florida Man got sick of his roommate, Florida Woman, being passed out drunk on the sofa.
(Names changed to protect the innocent and the yet-to-be-convicted.)
“The video provided by Florida Man shows Florida Man walking into the living room, and Florida Woman is lying on the couch. Florida Man lifts the couch, and Florida Woman falls to the ground and appears to be sleeping. Florida Man then proceeds to clean up and vacuum under the couch as Florida Woman lays on the ground with a small dog,” the affidavit states. “Several minutes later, Florida Woman gets off the ground and walks to the kitchen out of view of the camera. Florida Woman is in view of the camera the entire time. As Florida Man has his back turned to the kitchen cleaning, Florida Woman is observed coming out armed with two knives, and then stabs Florida Man in the back. The two engage in a struggle over the knives, and Florida Man was able to unarm Florida Woman and called 911.”
Florida Woman had a somewhat (cough, cough) different version of events that “the video did not support.”
“I’ve been thinking about killing him for a while,” she told police.
“You know, I’ve always dreamed of taking hostages during a foiled bank robbery — and there we all were!” said no one ever.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Weapon, Caught on Video.
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
That Must Make It OK
Florida Man Arrested At McDonald’s For DUI, But He Only Drinks At Stop Lights And Stop Signs
Well:
Deputies in Indian River County were called to a McDonald’s in Vero Beach because of a car that was playing bumper cars with a car in front of it at the drive-through window.
When deputies arrived, they found Florida Man, 69, in his vehicle with an open brown paper bag with a bottle of Jim Beam in it on the passenger’s seat.
When you’re too drunk to navigate a drive-thru without hitting the car in front of you, it’s time to go home.
Too late: You’re stuck in the drive-thru.
The deputy reported a strong smell of alcohol on Florida Man’s breath and saw his eyes were red and his speech was slurred and asked him how he was feeling.
“I’m feeling pretty good,” he told the deputy.
I bet!
Plus: “Florida Man told the deputy he had about three or four drinks but he wasn’t drinking while the car was moving, only when he stopped for stop signs and traffic signals and said that he had prescription medication before he began drinking on his drive.”
Popping pills and downing Jim Beam in the drive-thru. Now that’s what I call a Tuesday night.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Getting Caught Stupidly, Chutzpah.
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
UPDATE: Tampa Free Press reported this story as new, but it turned out to be from 2018. Still, I’m keeping it and filing it under Florida Man Classic.
Previously on FMF: Is That a Lambo on Your Roof or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
Then What Do We Tell the Insurance Company?
Florida Woman Begs Couple Not To Call Cops After Crashing Into Their Home
I hate it when this happens:
Florida woman is facing charges after allegedly running her SUV into a married couple’s home, according to WPLG.
Reporters say the crash happened Sunday night (July 31) near the intersection Southwest 71st Avenue and Fifth Street in Pembroke Pines. The couple told reporters they were inside the house when they heard a “big” noise and felt the structure shake.
When they ran out of their bedroom, they found the front end of an SUV sitting in their living room and a woman behind the wheel. Photos show the back end of the vehicle sticking out of the damaged home and rubble all over the front yard.
I love these chutzpah details. Florida Woman, confused and apparently drunk, “begged them not to call the cops.”
You know, after presumably totaling her car in their living room. How would they explain this to the insurance adjuster without the cops getting involved?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Drugs/Alcohol, Chutzpah.
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
You’re Gonna Love This One
Female-run firearms group in Florida boosting confidence between women, guns
Look around, and you’ll find stories like this one more often and all over the country:
Rebecca Pless started the company a few months ago in Melbourne, offering classes a few times a month for both armed and unarmed security licenses. “A lot of times, men look at you like can ‘she do this?’ But I want women to know, yeah most certainly can do this,” Pless said.
“I feel very confident about doing the things that I need to do in a safe manner,” Dustin said.
The female business owner said her goal is to push women out of their comfort zone. Their mission is to inspire, educate and empower women to put safety back in their hands.
More bad-ass women and fewer victims is exactly what this country needs.
5 bonus points for sheer awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Six scored stories. 22 total points. An average of 3.67 points per report.
That’s a solid week, Florida Men and Women.
Thanks so much for everything you do.
Meanwhile, in Los Vegas…
He got a footlong (& foot wide) Subway tattoo on his back in exchange for free subs for life!
The Colorado man explains why this was the time for his first ink ever 4:50 ET @YahooFinance pic.twitter.com/0RC2LYihYP
— Dave Briggs (@davebriggstv) July 29, 2022
Colorado Man won $50,000 in Subway gift cards, which ought to be enough subs for life.
Eight people who got smaller tattoos at the Subway-sponsored event were awarded free subs for a year.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
