It’s too big a Florida Man Friday for any fancy intros.
And I know that’s not the first time I’ve used that excuse for one of these lazy intros, but when you have this many Florida Man Friday stories to find, sort, discard, and write up, it’s true.
Reminder: Real names have been changed to protect the innocent, and also Florida Man.
Shall we begin?
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Woman stops boyfriend from driving drunk, chauffeurs him to drive-by-shooting
Love makes me treat you the way that I do…
The MyPanhandle.com story is so dryly and awkwardly written that I won’t bore you with straight excerpts. They need to hire better bots, I guess.
Florida Man was drunk and angry about an overdose, but the story doesn’t say who overdosed.
So he decided to do something about it, texting “don’t be a disrespectful (expletive),” and “(expletitive) [sic] I’m getting ready to roll,” presumably to the people who had sold the drugs to whoever had OD’d.
Florida Woman, less concerned that her boyfriend was about to attack drug dealers than she was over him driving drunk, agreed to drive him to the drive-by.
Actually, “drive through the drive-by” is probably more accurate, yes?
Anyway: Drunk, angry Florida Man fired 10 or 12 shots into the mystery home, hitting nobody.
There were witnesses. Florida Man didn’t police his brass from the car. Arrests were made.
Here’s how we score:
- A police chase
- Drugs/alcohol
- Vehicular madness
- A water hazard of some kind
- Wild animals
- Corrupt officials
- Public nudity
- Resisting arrest/fleeing police
- Golf
- Weapon, preferably unusual
- Stupid crime
- Getting caught stupidly
- Recidivism
- Face/neck tattoos
There’s always a bonus point available for chutzpah, and I will always award five whole points anytime Florida Man or Florida Woman tries to escape in a stolen police vehicle.
SCORE: Drugs/alcohol, vehicular madness, weapon, stupid crime, getting caught stupidly, recidivism.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
That’s a new record for a single story — nice start, Florida Man.
Flying the Friendly Skies
JetBlue passenger punched by Mike Tyson identified as Florida Man
So:
The retired heavyweight boxer was aboard a plane destined for Miami on Wednesday when the altercation unfolded, just before the flight was scheduled to depart from a San Francisco airport. Video taken inside the aircraft around 10 p.m. shows Tyson turning around in his seat and wailing on [Florida Man].
Reportedly intoxicated at the time, [Florida Man] sought out a selfie from the 55-year-old fighter, but continued to chatter on, even after the photo was snapped. Tyson’s reps told the Daily News in a statement Thursday that Townsend at one point threw a water bottle at the athlete, triggering the violence.
His criminal history also includes fraud, grand theft, burglary, trafficking in stolen property, and possession of controlled substances, which was for oxycodone.
You’re on a plane, you see Mike Tyson, and you say, “Hey, that’s Mike Tyson.” And then maybe you give him a knowing nod or even say something nice like, “Hi, Mike.”
Florida Man is drunk on a plane, sees Mike Tyson, and then taunts him until Mike has had enough and delivers several blows to Florida Man’s head.
I’m not even sure I’d have gone as far as “Hi, Mike.”
SCORE: Alcohol, recidivism, weapon (unusual!), plus one bonus point for chutzpah.
TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
The Reception Begins Promptly at 4:20
Florida Bride, caterer charged after allegedly lacing wedding food with marijuana
In a mellow tone:
One man who called 911 said he “felt like he had drugs inside him” and others thought their food had been laced with something.
“He’s like, ‘Are we stoned right now?’ And everyone was just kind of looking around each other laughing and we absolutely were,” Cady said. “We were high as a kite, out of our minds.”
Florida Woman told deputies she had not laced the food with anything. Two months later, deputies said test results confirmed the food had been laced with marijuana.
Florida Woman and the wedding’s caterer, another Florida Woman, were arrested and charged with reckless tampering, culpable negligence and possessing marijuana.
When Colorado legalized marijuana in 2014 we had a problem with pot tourists from other states. They’d eat an edible, not knowing they were supposed to wait an hour before it kicked in, they’d impatient and eat another edible. Or two. Or more.
Lots of them ended up in emergency rooms.
I don’t have a whole lot of pity for silly tourists who can’t be bothered to read the warning label.
But doing that to your wedding guests?
Just. No.
POINTS: Stupid crime, getting caught stupidly, drugs.
TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
The Return of Florida Iguana Gator Madness
No points awarded for this one. In fact, the only reason I’m posting it is to remind myself that I’ve got to start looking for more Colorado bear videos.
Better yet: Start making some.
Hibernation season is over, and they’re hungry. I don’t always find one in my garage, but when I do, I always forget to record it.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Is That a Gator in Your Truck or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
Florida Man Made His One Phone Call To Soon
Suspected drunken driver gets lost in Clearwater, calls 911 on himself
Catch me if you can! I’m parked on the 2500 block of Sands Drive!
A suspected drunken driver landed behind bars Tuesday after he drove around Clearwater, got lost and called 911, police said.
According to an affidavit, Clearwater police received a call around 3:40 a.m. Tuesday morning from Florida Man, who said he had been drinking and drove to a location he was unfamiliar with.
Gonna go out on a limb here and guess that Florida Man is not unfamiliar with the inside of Clearwater lockup.
SCORE: Vehicular madness, alcohol, getting caught stupidly.
TOTAL: 16 FMF Points.
There Can Be Only One
Florida Man arrested for burglary after using sword to break into restaurant
Nearly every man within about ten years of my age (I’m 52) has picked up a sword and pictured himself as Connor MacLeod from Highlander.
Or as the Kurgan, if we’re drunk at the time.
In fact, most of us probably looked more like this:
A man has been charged with burglary and grand theft of a fire extinguisher after he used a full sized sword to break into the drive through window of a North Port Wendy’s.
Once inside the restaurant, Florida Man consumed various food items, took a fire extinguisher and later discharged it.
Why hang out just to discharge a fire extinguisher? Maybe the sword had lost its thrill.
More:
Officers checked the restaurant’s security camera footage which captured Florida Man breaking in and committing the crimes.
Florida Man told officers he had no recollection of the past day and a half. He said his lack of memory was from involuntarily consuming narcotics. Florida Man currently takes medication for ADHD and depression.
All kidding aside, if it turns out Florida Man’s legit meds were messed up, let’s hope he gets those sorted out.
But in the meantime…
SCORE: Stupid crime, drugs, weapon (unusual).
TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Remedial Driver’s Ed
Police say a man pulled over for speeding rammed his truck into a state trooper's vehicle and fled before crashing his truck into a ditch. https://t.co/4ZAfk3ZKwW
— WISH-TV (@WISH_TV) April 22, 2022
Florida Man got pulled over for speeding and apparently thought it would be better to run than to get a ticket.
So he backed up his car and smashed the police cruiser.
He took off and — this part will shock you — drove right into a ditch where he was caught and showed signs of impairment.
SCORE: Vehicular madness, fleeing police, alcohol.
TOTAL: 22 FMF Points
Hold the Pickle
Florida Man takes deputies on chase through the woods
Just another day:
Florida Man with a long criminal history led sheriff’s deputies on a chase through the woods.
According to deputies, Florida Man, 40, known as “Dill Pickle” was caught on dash camera last week, as he fled from officers on a narrow road through the woods.
Florida Man eventually loses control of his vehicle and crashes into a tree. Deputies later caught up with him and threaten to release their K-9 deputy.
He is later seen getting out of the wrecked truck and is handcuffed and arrested.
According to deputies, it isn’t the first time they have arrested Florida Man.
Best part? Florida Man said he fled because “he didn’t know they were real cops.”
Left unexplained: Why he’s called Dill Pickle. I’m going to find it difficult to sleep until that mystery is solved.
SCORE: Vehicular madness, face/neck tattoos, fleeing police, drugs, recidivism, chutzpah — today’s new record, tied!
TOTAL: 28 FMF Points.
Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Pee
Florida Man takes leak in store’s ‘beer cave,’ police say
Whatever happened to going around back?
61-year-old Florida man was arrested on allegations of urinating on cases of beer inside a Brevard County store.
According to a Rockledge police arrest affidavit, on Saturday the man walked into the Hop and Pop convenience store on Eyster Boulevard and tried to enter the restroom, but it was locked.
The man then went into the store’s “beer cave” and made it appear like he was looking at the merchandise, police said.
According to the affidavit, store video shows the man facing toward the shelves, unzipping his pants and urinating on cases of beer. The store owner said six cases of beer totaling $113.36 were damaged and could not be sold, according to police.
Clearly, it wasn’t six cases of Coors. No one would have been able to tell.
SCORE: Public nudity, stupid crime, getting caught stupidly.
TOTAL: 31 FMF Points.
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week
Eight scored stories with a total of 31 FMF Points for a record-busting average of 3.875 points per story.
I’m speechless.
Meanwhile, in California…
California Man exposes self and menaces entire salon in Long Beach
Just a little off the top:
Disturbing video shows a man exposing himself to a salon full of women for more than 20 minutes and then leaving the area without getting arrested.
The incident happened Saturday afternoon at Static Salon in Long Beach.
Salon staff said the man did not appear to be homeless and initially asked for a haircut and then waited outside on a chair.
“Literally within 10 minutes between him leaving our salon and sitting in the chair to whipping it out,” said Fiona McLaughlin. “It was just insane.”
The man left the salon after 30 minutes — 10 minutes before police arrived.
When seconds count, the police are 40 minutes away.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
