News & Politics

That Mysterious Kim Jong-un Bandage: Now What's Wrong With Him?

(Screencap courtesy of Reuters via The Sun.)
That Kim Jong-un bandage is a real mystery

Communist strongmen are notoriously weird, in large part because no one, not even in their inner circle, dares to tell them to dial it down.

People get sent to the camps for that kind of thing. Or worse.

Joseph Stalin was known to leave vulgar notes in the margins of art drawings of nude men. That is, when he wasn’t busy forcing his cabinet into hours-long drinking games.

Fidel Castro was obsessed with dairy and dairy cows. He supposedly wanted to create a “race of super cows” to produce insane amounts of milk, and even wanted Cuba to somehow breed “tiny cows to keep as house pets.”

And when I say “or worse,” I really mean it. The weirdest Communist strongman of them all, North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, reportedly executed his own uncle with a four-barrel antiaircraft cannon (Soviet vintage, of course) and another high-ranking official via flamethrower.

There is too much weirdness in Kim to catalog in one short column, although I’ve tried my best over the years since he assumed power to highlight them for VodkaPundit readers.

Recommended: Kim Jong-un Propaganda Photo Essay Goes Hysterically Wrong

Back in June, I had thought maybe things were as weird as they were going to get — I know, I know. That was when Reuters reported that North Koreans, most of whom have had to worry about where their next meal was coming from for their entire, malnourished lives, were worried sick over Kim’s sudden weight loss.

Reuters, because the news agency is apparently staffed with vile Commies, reported this with a straight face.

To be honest, Kim might have lost a little weight spending time on his Peloton specially made from the bones of his enemies and/or former kindergarten classmates, but he still looks like a cross between Mao and the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

But more “worrisome,” if you’ll allow me to stretch that word beyond recognition, is the bandage currently gracing the back of Kim’s urn-like head.

A few details:

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un was recently photographed out in public with what appeared to be a large green spot on the back of his head, once again fueling speculation over his health — long a topic of global fascination.

Another image showed him sporting an oblong bandage over the blemish.

The bruise and bandage appeared toward the right side of the 37-year-old dictator’s head during a military meeting held July 24-27, per NK News, a platform dedicated to covering the secretive country. The site added that the mark was also visible at other events held between July 27 and 29.

In a perfect world, the bandage covers the incision where a mind-control antenna was installed in his brain like poor Malachi Constant from Kurt Vonnegut’s Sirens of Titan. At a whim, still-President Donald Trump could cause Kim incredible pain and get him to agree to dismantle his nuclear program.

Clearly, this is not a perfect world.

So what did happen? What’s going on with Kim’s health? Did doctors remove the part of his brain where his tiny black soul was located?

Those are not the questions to ask.

The question to ask is, are there any North Koreans who want to know badly enough to risk the flamethrower?