You might think that Florida Man enjoyed a little downtime this week, after doing all that prep-work for the Cat 5 hurricane that never came.
I’m kidding, of course — you would never think that, because Florida Man knows no rest, he needs no breaks, he will give zero F’s, and take no days off. Not while there are still alligators to wrestle, comically petty crimes to commit, and bath salts to eat.
Or do you smoke bath salts? Vape them? I’ll ask Florida Man and get back to you on that one.
In the meantime, join me now on another…
Florida Man Friday!
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
This is far from the first time we’ve heard news of Florida Man breaking into people’s houses to make himself a meal, which made wonder if there’s something in the water down there. Then I read the part where “the suspect may have been under the influence of alcohol,” and suddenly everything snapped into place. If Florida Man starts doing this stuff sober, then there will be no stopping him.
Wow, Just Wow
INCREDIBLE: A man in Florida captured a photo today as we remember lives lost during 9/11. "To me, it looks like a firefighter running toward an angel." (Credit: Matt Snow) #NeverForget #911Anniversary pic.twitter.com/CG0UNaY4qY
— WKYC 3News (@wkyc) September 11, 2019
God works in mysterious ways, they say. I say there’s nothing more mysterious than Florida Man.
Crime of the Century of the Week
We can't make this up.
Florida men pull guns on McDonald’s employee over cold burgers, get arrested while waiting for warm oneshttps://t.co/kQU30cVrus
— New York Daily News (@NYDailyNews) September 11, 2019
If you want it your way, hold up a Burger King next time.
Florida Woman Suffers Nicotine Withdrawal, Goes on Rampage at Disneyworld
.@OrangeCoSheriff deputies say this woman, 53 yr old Ellen McMillion of Brandon has been banned from Disney World for LIFE. She was arrested there last week after deputies say she was drunk and repeatedly slapped a cab driver and kicked a deputy pic.twitter.com/fXLURcNPNr
— Amanda Dukes (@AmandaDukesWESH) September 9, 2019
If I ever start smoking again, you can bet it will be during the fourth hour of “It’s A Small World After All.”
Florida Man Disguises $2,500 Used Mercury Cougar as Bugatti Veyron, Asks $128,000 for It
I guess "someone's been wiping Bougars in their Cougatti" didn't make it past the editorshttps://t.co/wFJspi5ZNw
— James Gilboy (@_JamesGilboy) September 9, 2019
I think the ad saying, “Closed course. Professional driver. Fake supercar.” was kind of a giveaway.
When Florida Man and Playstation Collide
I know the print is tiny, so it says you unlock an achievement in Borderlands 3 called “Florida Man” by blowing yourself up.
Real Florida Man does that in real life, not in videogames.
I’m Not Crying; You’re Crying
— Bored Panda (@boredpanda) September 11, 2019
You’re just going to have to click over and read this one, but it comes with a Three Hanky Warning.
Florida Man in History: In 1948, a man called Tony Signori wore 30-pound, three-toed, lead shoes and stomped around a Florida beach in the night. The footprints led people to believe that a 15-foot tall penguin was roaming their lands. The hoax wasn’t revealed until 40 years later.
Crime of the Century of the Week II
There might have been alcohol involved, among other things.
And She’d Have Gotten Away with It, If It Hadn’t Been for Those Meddling Kids
A Florida woman who claimed to be a fortune teller has been sentenced to three years and four months in prison for taking $1.6 million from a Texas woman to remove a curse from her family.
Sherry Tina Uwanawich, 28, was sentenced last week, according to the Associated Press.
Investigators said she met the victim in Houston in 2007. After gaining the victim’s trust, Uwanawich told her there was a curse on her family.
Let those among us who have not posed as a fake fortune teller in order to scam someone out of nearly two million dollars to remove a non-existent family curse cast the first stone.
News Roundup: Only in Florida
Florida Woman, You Rock My World
HEARTWARMING – A South Florida woman spent her birthday giving out food and supplies to those in Freeport, Bahamas who were left devastated from Hurricane Dorian's wrath. https://t.co/WEvHZRI6Av
— WSVN 7 News (@wsvn) September 13, 2019
I mean, this maybe isn’t as cool as the Florida Man who headbangs his way through hurricanes, but it isn’t bad.
Crime of the Century of the Week III
There is almost nothing in the world I would rather see more right now, maybe not even my sons bring home straight A’s, than that police officer trying to report to his chief where his patrol cruiser went.
I Don’t Want to Know What That Means
I wouldn’t click that link with your mouse.
Apropos of nothing, “Wet Willy Caper” would make an excellent name for a New Wave revival band.
Meanwhile, in Georgia…
— New York Post (@nypost) September 9, 2019
By this time next week, we can only hope to hear news that Florida Man and Florida Woman used an even bigger alligator to catch a shark riding an ATV through a mosquito-infested swamp during a hurricane.
We will wait here until then on the next…
Florida Man Friday!