Not all men are fit to be Florida Man. Florida wildlife includes meth-crazed alligators, cockroaches that would make a grizzled New Yorker scream like a little girl, an invading army of iguanas, and mosquitoes the size of traffic helicopters. Then there’s the weather, which cycles between hot and muggy and hotter and muggier, plus the occasional Cat 5 hurricane. The state is inhabited by a combustive mix Yankees who think they can stand the heat, foreigners from every corner (???) of the globe unaccustomed to Florida’s ways, and locals who have been around long enough to laugh at it all.
And Florida Man Friday is the day everyone gets to laugh at it all.
This FMF is extra special because we get to laugh a little easier, now that the threat of Dorian has passed. We expected the worst, prepared for the worst, and got…
…well, let’s take a look at what we got.
Meet the Guy Who Diverted Hurricane Dorian
https://twitter.com/Breaking911/status/1168368379629060096
The science is settled. Er… unsettling?
Do you know what this Colorado Man thinks when there’s this much ice available? That’s right: A container ship filled with the world’s largest margarita.
It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time
Florida woman plastic-wraps home ahead of Hurricane Dorian because Florida: https://t.co/Wb9CBx6fka pic.twitter.com/KTskJel2Cb
— Billy Corben (@BillyCorben) September 3, 2019
Pro Tip: Next hurricane season, try upgrading to those heavy-duty shower curtains.
And If You Thought That Florida Woman Was a Little Cray-Cray…
"That should do it. That roof isn't going anywhere now." #floridaman pic.twitter.com/2IeXPBBEbj
— Jim Sheridan (@jimsheridan) August 31, 2019
Another Pro Tip: Don’t over-cinch the tie-downs, or you could crush your whole house.
It Is Better to Over-Prepare Than to Under-Prepare, Exhibit C
Florida man thinks a few sandbags will keep the roof on pic.twitter.com/k9Cpf2PTWc
— Tweddit (@Tweddit) September 2, 2019
One More Pro Tip: A lightweight chair set on top of a folding table makes an excellent work ladder.
(Please don’t do any of these things. Prepare your home properly, I beg you.)
Here I Am, Rock You Like a Hurricane
Florida man Lane Pittman is a Jacksonville legend. He got arrested for playing the National Anthem on July 4th, then he became a viral sensation for headbanging in Florida’s worst hurricanes.
Watch how Lane became the ultimate #FloridaMan: https://t.co/yy9tAWlDLH
#WTFlorida pic.twitter.com/iHql2Upk8T— VICE (@VICE) September 4, 2019
If I could grow up all over again, this is the man — the Florida Man — I’d want to be.
Important Safety Tip, Thanks, Florida Woman
Oh, #Florida! Woman dressed up as dinosaur to warn neighbors about need to get ready for #HurricaneDorian, holds sign that says, "Be safe, not extinct." https://t.co/wBo7zJ2LIC
— Craig Pittman (@craigtimes) September 1, 2019
She’s still 4,000% more in control of her faculties than the Florida Man with the tiny little sandbags, standing on the chair sitting on top of the table.
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Surfers help rescue woman who jumped from Jacksonville Beach Pier
• Florida Man Got Into An Argument With A Woman, So He Grabbed A Turkey Sandwich And Threw It At Her
• Burglar breaks into man’s house to cook himself breakfast, officials say
Now That’s Smart
Photo courtesy Jessica Eldridge
Florida man parks Smart car in kitchen over fear Hurricane Dorian would blow it away.
Isn’t That Marianne Williamson?
Florida woman single-handedly pushes Hurricane Dorian north on Delray Beach because Florida (video: @cigs7k) pic.twitter.com/BlKeY2uJyO
— Billy Corben (@BillyCorben) September 3, 2019
And you thought the guy with the Air Force planes and the ice-bearing Navy ships had it all figured out.
Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back in the… Pool
“Looks like Dorian blew a gator into my swimming pool!” — Woman finds gator in her pool after Central Florida’s brush with #Dorian
More: https://t.co/Ojpxh5XPjT pic.twitter.com/nSflpS6m0r
— WESH 2 News (@WESH) September 4, 2019
That’s right: It’s Hurrigator!
Florida Man of the Year
His receipt read $49,285.70 and most of that came from paying $450 a pop for 100 generators. Peas, beans, coffee, salt, pepper and other essentials made up the rest of his mega purchase from a Costco in Jacksonville, Florida https://t.co/tYVIsm2Hdg
— CNN (@CNN) September 5, 2019
Those aren’t tears. Dorian just blew some saltwater droplets on my face is all.
And that’s it for the special Hurricane Dorian Prepper Edition, but do come back next week for another thrilling…
…Florida Man Friday!
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