Worried about the economy? Is the nastiness of modern politics getting you down? Does work prevent you from day-drinking?
Then have I got something for you: A week’s worth of chills, spills, and non-judgmental thrills on another Florida Man Friday.
Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida surfer bitten by shark, opts for trip to bar instead of hospital.
Not all heroes wear capes. One wears swim trunks. And that hero is Frank O’Rourke:
Frank O’Rouke, 23, and a friend were waiting for the next big wave to swell at around 3:30 p.m. Saturday near the Jacksonville Beach Pier when the shark bit down on O’Rouke’s right arm, WJXT reported.
The shark latched on quickly, and then departed just as fast leaving teeth marks and a trail of blood behind, WJXT reported.
O’Rouke handled the attack in good spirit, posing for an Instagram photo and electing not to go to the hospital, and instead heading to a nearby bar for some drinks.
Raise a glass to Florida Man.
Consumer Safety, Florida Style
CONSUMER ALERT: The blood in this meat might be human blood — and the meat went to restaurants in Florida. https://t.co/GK57RYfDXx
— Miami Herald (@MiamiHerald) July 25, 2019
I’m calling BS on this story. Everyone knows that meat in Florida is tainted with TIGER BLOOD™.
How Many Times Can They Use the Word ‘Naked’ in One Story?
That's all. https://t.co/vaR6HQiaNX pic.twitter.com/aSxODj8vRO
— victoria price (@WFLAVictoria) July 25, 2019
So a naked guy breaks into a garage, takes a nap, and the homeowner finds him there—naked.
If you decide not to watch the video, at least check out the mug shot of our suspect, who was caught after fleeing the scene.
The suspect is Johnathan Whitney, reportedly just 33 years old. That’s a hard 33 years, folks.
Miss Manners Moves to Florida
Florida Woman Arrested For Punching Boyfriend Over How He Cut Meat & Potatoes.
You know you’re not supposed to do that, right? Cut along the grain, I mean.
Only in Florida
A Florida woman said when she looked outside and turned on the patio light, she learned that the sound she'd heard through her bedroom window early Saturday morning was a 7-foot-alligator. And it was staring right at her. https://t.co/4JgqheDsWZ
— CNN (@CNN) July 28, 2019
At least it wasn’t a methagator. But that’s not to say Florida’s wildlife situation is under control…
Iguana Murder Madness Returns
Four weeks ago I reported to you that Florida officials were urging residents to kill iguanas. Three weeks ago something akin to hilarity ensued when a pellet-gun toting iguana hunter missed and accidentally shot a pool boy instead. Two weeks ago, PETA urged: If you’re killing iguanas, do it in the “kindest manner possible.” Last week we learned of the South Florida hot tub that became a ‘Porta-Potty’ for iguanas.
And this week?
“This isn’t the wild west”: Florida authorities clarify state’s invasive iguana policy after public outcry.
“Unfortunately, the message has been conveyed that we are asking the public to just go out there and shoot them up,” said FWC Commissioner Rodney Barreto, according to the release. “This is not what we are about; this is not the ‘wild west.’ If you are not capable of safely removing iguanas from your property, please seek assistance from professionals who do this for a living.”
Well, what did Florida officials think Florida Man would do after they called on him to, and I quote, “humanely kill green iguanas on their own property whenever possible.”
Of course things were going to get out of hand, and frankly, we’d all be disappointed if they hadn’t.
Florida Woman Can’t Escape Her Reputation
Woman reports teeth stolen. Another woman shows up wearing the teeth at her probation hearing. And no, it did not happen in Florida. 🤦♀️ #Fox35 #GDO https://t.co/U0fczjwdXl
— Amy Kaufeldt (@Fox35Amy) July 25, 2019
It’s sad when a woman can’t steal another woman’s dentures and wear them to a meeting with her probation officer without everyone just assuming she’s from Florida.
Sharing Means Caring
Vape Smoker Kyle Walker Offered To Share His Vape Pen With Woman Who Didn’t Want It, So He Pulled A Gun On Her.
The worst part? When anti-vapers latch onto this story as evidence that vaping can be just as dangerous as actual smoking.
Florida News in Brief Roundup
Florida Woman Florida Woman Accused of Biting Off Part of Boyfriend’s Thumb After Argument, Leaving It on Floor.
Florida Man breaks window over cinnamon rolls.
Florida Woman arrested after allegedly pouring alcohol into Taco Bell employee’s mouth in front of cop.
Florida man charged with home break-in, says he was just following his horse.
Florida Man Meets Martha Reeves, Vandellas Nowhere in Sight
Florida Man, you make me feel like dancing.
The Softer Side of Florida Man
Thank you #BryanGalvin — GREAT job keeping our Florida coasts clean and creating public awareness. https://t.co/i2uEqfJJlc
— Museum of Litter (@MuseumofLitter) July 27, 2019
What a great story.
Meanwhile, in Illinois…
Woman Allegedly Stabs Man In The Scrotum Over Breakup Attempt.
Attempt? I’d wager the breakup was pretty dang successful.
But that also means Florida Woman has just one week to regain the Crazy Crown from Illinois Woman. If I were Florida Man, I’d hop naked on the first available horse and ride out of the state before she does.
That’s all for now. Come back next week for another thrilling Florida Man Friday.
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