It’s Florida Man Friday
That means more chills, spills, and non-judgmental thrills as Florida Man (and Woman) skirts the law, common sense, and even the laws of physics.
Join me now as we recap another week of the adventures of… Florida Man!
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
If anyone offers you cocaine and 🐡 this weekend, just say no. #OnlyInFlorida https://t.co/vE6lcyieck
— Chris Cato FOX 13 (@chriscato) June 29, 2019
You know what? Even if there’s an easy way to learn that mixing pufferfish and cocaine is a bad idea, maybe we should just take Florida Man’s word for it instead.
SISTERS ARE DOIN’ IT FOR THEMSELVES: Woman accused of leaving $5,000 tip on boyfriend’s credit card after argument.
Just to be clear, the woman with the stolen credit card, Serina Wolfe, is from Buffalo, New York. The waitress who received the, ah, rather generous tip lives in Clearwater, Florida, but it isn’t yet clear whether or not she’ll get to keep the money. If she does, I’m betting we get a Florida Woman story out of whatever she decides to do with it.
Food Fight
Florida man arrested for pelting girlfriend with McDonald's sweet and sour packets https://t.co/KEbC2DXneE pic.twitter.com/STsWRup9IG
— New York Post (@nypost) July 2, 2019
Let those among us who have not pelted their significant other with sweet & sour packets cast the first ketchup packet instead.
And if you think that didn’t make any sense, wait until you see our next pair of stories.
Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t
SHOT: Iguana population in Florida grows as temperatures stay high, residents urged to ‘kill.’
Kill these wild animals with impunity, but you can’t even give a nice bagel to these other wild animals… it’s all so confusing.
Florida Man Double-Dog Dares Florida Woman to Stab Him, Gets Stabbed
Florida woman stabs boyfriend in the chest with steak knife after he told her, "You don't have the balls to do it" https://t.co/iz6qkSGotv
— Newsweek (@Newsweek) July 4, 2019
Florida Man is going to be OK, but Florida woman is charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, after initially claiming that her boyfriend had had a seizure and fallen on the knife sticking out of his chest.
Don’t you hate it when that happens?
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER: Florida Man’s Drone Captures Images Of Shark Swimming Near His Kids.
‘Dukes of Hazzard’ Meets ‘Miami Vice’
Fellow Floridians should be proud to know that Florida Man attempted to flee the scene with a broken back. I don’t care what part of the country you’re from, that’s some impressive criminality.
NEWS IN BRIEF: Florida woman says gator crashing into home was a ‘fun thing.’
Let’s just hope she didn’t feed it any bagels, or that fun thing could turn into a night in the slammer.
The Softer Side of Florida Man
Two patrons at @WaitressLondon last night,
Woman; It’s my dream to see this show, my husband booked it as a birthday surprise, we’re from Florida so I assumed the show was in NYC.
Man; And then she saw the £ sign on the ticket 😏
— Jonny Weston (@SirJonnyWeston) July 3, 2019
Well played, Florida Man.
Well. Played.
Crime of the Century
He’s being called the “Hamburglar.” Detectives in Martin County say this Florida man broke into a @Wendys to steal a safe. But before he allegedly took off with it, he fired up the grill and made himself a burger 🍔 pic.twitter.com/O0c4Yqondl
— Joel Franco (@OfficialJoelF) June 30, 2019
Independence Day, Florida Man-Style
definitely a florida man pic.twitter.com/mRlWfKGXIu
— jawah💜💛🖤 (@actsipper) July 5, 2019
The smoke appears to be from some novelty fireworks, and not because his engine had caught fire. But I’d like to see the un-edited clip just to be sure. But mostly I want to see a longer clip because I get the feeling we missed a Looney Toons Moment where he drops the weights, right through the bottom of his boat, and slowly sinks into the water with a Wile E. Coyote look of personal doom on his face.
Alabama Man Says: Florida Man, Hold My Beer
Alabama man, 35, is CHARGED with illegally owning an 'attack squirrel' he fed meth and called Deez Nuts https://t.co/2bJ7NdpfHe
— Daily Mail US (@DailyMail) July 3, 2019
The ball is back in your court, Florida Man. We all expect you to up your game in time for next week’s…
Florida Man Friday!
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