Sit Down and Shut Up, Mr. Failed Former President(s)

So this is the thing Jimmy Carter said most recently:

Former President Jimmy Carter claimed Wednesday that he would have been re-elected and beaten Ronald Reagan in 1980 if had been more “manly” in his dealings with Iran.

Interviewed by the show “CNBC Meets,” Carter repeated his belief that the failed mission to free American hostages held in Tehran killed his chances, but then added that had he gone to war, America would have rewarded him with a second term in 1980.

Jimmy Carter couldn’t be manly if you pumped him full of enough steroids to turn McLovin into a Clydesdale and had him bench press a Chevy Camaro Super Sport until he made the Hulk look like, well, me.

But that’s not the point. Iran isn’t the point. The botched Desert One rescue mission isn’t the point.

The point is that Carter was so recklessly feckless, if that’s a thing, that someone was going to do something bad to take advantage of his dithering disfortitude — it didn’t necessarily have to be Iran.

In fact, others did take advantage. A little someone other formerly known as the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. Under Carter (not that Carter was ever on top of anyone), the Soviets established footholds far outside of their natural sphere of interest, in areas as remote as southern Africa and Central America. The Soviets even figured they could lease out the Cuban army to fight for them in Angola, and did. Carter did squat. Well, other than to sign the ridiculous SALT agreement, which allowed the Soviets to rapidly build up their super-modernized nuclear missile force with full confidence that Carter would build… less… of our less-modern force.

But that’s just the overseas stuff, of course.

Here at home, Carter failed to man up against inflation, unemployment, and malaise.

The closest thing to being a man Carter ever did as a politician, was the time he admitted to Playboy that he had “felt lust in my heart” the same month Patti McGuire was on the cover. Patti went on to marry Jimmy Effing Connors, and Jimmy went on to lose 44 states to Ronald Effing Reagan. We know who the real men are, and one of them is the lovely Patti.

And manly men never, ever recount the time they manfully defended themselves from a bunny wabbit.

Jimmy Carter is nothing now other than a bitter old spinster, sadly decrying his lack of manliness on a basically trivial matter, while refusing to acknowledge how he put our economy and our international standing into a sewer pipe running with his own tears.

The worst part? Barack Obama is just like him, is going to end up just as bitter, and likely has another 40 years or more after he leaves office during which to badger us with complaints about how that ungrateful nation he once led let him down time and time again.