This Is Not My Way

Go to Burger King and pay more, get less:

When Burger King customers step up to the counter, one out of every two orders the classic French fries, paying $1.59 for a regular carton of salty, greasy goodness.

The chain is betting that many of these fast food fans won’t mind paying 30 cents more for a small order of their brand new ‘Satisfries’, boasting lower fat and calorie content thanks to a healthier batter.

Burger King will start selling their new crinkle-cut concoction on Tuesday, pitting the Satisfry directly against fries sold by their arch-rival McDonald’s, the nation’s number one quick-service restaurant business.

First off, “Satisfry” should never be a word. Secondly, you don’t compete with McDonald’s by making your french fries healthy.

We have one of those PlayPlace McDonald’s not far from here, with the giant indoor Habitrail-looking playground. My seven-year-old loves that thing, especially if we’d go in before the lunch rush and I’d use the stop watch as he raced through the tunnels from bottom to top and then down the twisty slide.

He insisted we make it a weekly event over his summer break, and it did give us some father-son time, and it did get me away from my desk. And you know what? It’s just a blast, timing your kid as he races through plastic tubes like Tom Cruise racing to the ticking time bomb, but more earnestly.

But after about three visits, I was done with McDonald’s for the summer. And I mean, done. The new Quarter Pounders are worse than the old Quarter Pounders, mostly because the slightly-better bread does nothing but highlight the unimproved “beef.” I tried to eat McNuggets, but no. I ordered a salad one time, but it only made me wish I’d brought my own dressing. And my own veggies.

But the fries… those gorgeous, delicate, hot fries. Crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside. Just the right amount of salt. A hint of sweetness from using the slightest whisper of ketchup.

Those fries.

They really are some of the best in the world. They’re certainly the best you can find in a fast food chain. They’re cheap, plentiful, and plenty tasty. And they sell like crazy, even to people like me who are otherwise just done with McDonald’s.

And Burger King is going to change all that by selling an alternative which costs more and will certainly taste worse and has a comically hideous name?

No.

Just no.

I would not like Satisfries with that.