Late Night Rambling

Maybe now we know why Illinois Republicans chose nutjob Alan Keyes to run for the Senate:

Alan Keyes, the Republican candidate for a vacant U.S. Senate seat in Illinois, said Tuesday that Vice President Dick Cheney’s daughter Mary is a “selfish hedonist” because she is a lesbian.

His comments came during an interview with SIRIUS satellite radio.

Keyes said: “The essence of … family life remains procreation. If we embrace homosexuality as a proper basis for marriage, we are saying that it’s possible to have a marriage state that in principal excludes procreation and is based simply on the premise of selfish hedonism.”

Asked whether that meant Mary Cheney “is a selfish hedonist,” Keyes said: “That goes by definition. Of course she is.”

Don’t understand? Four words: Karl Rove’s stalking horse.

Still don’t understand? Then let me explain.

Keyes never did stand a chance of winning this race. Then again, after Jack Ryan’s implosion, no Republican stood a chance of winning against media darling (and, I might add, deservedly so) Barack Obama.

So why let Keyes run? Ah, it’s becoming clearer now, isn’t it? The Republicans need a stalking horse.

Look, I know most readers here are Pretty Gosh Darn Conservative Capital-R Republicans — and I appreciate your readership. But, as you well know, on social issues, you and I are never going to agree. Frankly, most of the country doesn’t agree with you, either. And they don’t agree with President Bush on a lot of things. I’m not saying this to be rude, because if I were, I’d be using a lot of swear words, combined with a holier-than-thou attitude I cribbed from the Democrats.

What I am saying is, on social issues, Bush is weak. He needs someone to take the heat for him. And who better than “Wild-Eyed Crazy Man” Alan Keyes?

Single-handedly, (and perhaps unknowingly) Keyes might just have taken the heat off of Bush for his Idiotic Pander Maneuver — er, I mean support for the ill-fated constitutional amendment against gay marriage rights. As of tomorrow, the President can say, “Look, I don’t support gay marriage, but Keyes is talking about my Veep’s daughter, and that’s just going too far.”

Best part? Bush doesn’t even have to actually say it. People will assume it, because, rightly or wrongly, most people tend to think of Bush as a pretty decent guy.

Of course, certain other pundits will see Keyes’s outrageous, unforgivable pronouncement as further sign that Republicans secretly want to herd all the gay folk into concentration camps, brand them with the pink triangle, and then force them to convert to heterosexuality before shoving them into the ovens.

All I see is the possibility of a conspirational (not to mention cynical) attempt to win some votes by neutralizing a losing issue.