50 Things Also Found in Sandy Berger's Pants

Rabbit’s foot keychain
Car keys, 2001 Volvo S80
Individually-wrapped Rolos (three)
Pocket lint
Legs (two)
Jockey brand Next to Nothing™ boxer briefs (gray, XXXL)
One small thank-you note, signed “Big Boss Bill”
BlackBerry (model 6710)
McDonald’s Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese (extra onion, no pickle)
67 cents (two quarters, three nickels, two pennies)
Flash wad (three thousand dollars, approximate, in various denominations)
Awww – a fuzzy puppy
Never mind previous item (mistake was made during identification process)
Complete US Geological Survey, 1970
Two Trojan condoms (standard size, unused)
Black leather tri-fold wallet (by Fendi)
DVD box set, Planet of the Apes
Sam’s Club card (expired)
White cotton handkerchief (unused)
Hot dog street vendor napkin (wadded and used)
6oz, flop sweat
Family portrait (wallet size)
Crosby, Stills & Nash (no Young)
Ticket from Georgetown Dry Cleaning
The Zimmermann Telegram
Pocket edition, National Security for Dummies
Grocery list (for Raisa Gorbachev, August 1, 1986, declassified 1997)
To-do list (for Mikhail Gorbachev, March 16, 1989, never declassified)
Anvil (one, by Acme)
Camden, Ohio
Loose button (from teal sweater vest, Bachrach item order #989197, Spring Preview Catalog)
A Balinese hooker
Hand-drawn map to nearest 24-hour taco joint
No discernable skid marks
The sweetest, warmest, biggest smile you ever did see
Yard Sale sign (1019 Pleasant Avenue, Banff, Alberta, Canada)
REM-stage sleep (45 minutes, est.)
More than a little Southern hospitality
The complete contents of Al Capone’s secret vault
Extra-Strength Bayer™ Aspirin (two)
Minutes to opening session of 1885 Berlin Conference
Chateaubriand (for two, medium rare)
Presidential candidate John Kerry
And as much of John Edwards as would fit in there with him
A surprisingly clean shave
Duchynski-Cherko Funeral Home (Yonkers, New York)
Washington Metro subway pass
Home phone number, Lawrence Eagleburger’s dietician
A dick



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