The Wrong Man

Well, crap:

Who does Superman have to thwack! in Hollywood to get his movie made?

Not McG. But maybe Michael Bay?

For the second time, the high-octane Charlie’s Angels helmer has dropped out of the running to direct the Man of Steel’s long-awaited and longer-delayed return to the big screen.

The move revives speculation that Pearl Harbor bombardier Bay is going to be tapped for the so-far impossible mission.

Don’t get me wrong — I never thought McG was the right guy to direct a Superman movie.

But Michael Bay would be worse. Much worse.

Here’s my critique of every Michael Bay movie ever made, in the form of a fictional look at Bay’s auteur stream-of-consciousness:

Hey, it’s funny when a girl is jealous of her huband, right? So let’s have this chick scream at her man all the time, even though he hasn’t done anything. And it’s really cool to see a shot of a guy with a gun, right? And another guy with a gun? And they’re shooting? So it’d be even way cooler if all the shots came real quick like, right? And the camera will move. Like, up. And across. Bet that old Ridley Scott never thought of that, huh? Oh, jealousy again. Jealous dads are funny. So let’s show a jealous dad with. . . with. . . a GUN! And he’ll chase the boyfiend guy, with his gun. And I’ll do the jerky camera thing there, too. But I won’t show the girl’s nipples, ever, because I’m, like, an artist, right? Ooh, and more special effects. Let’s slap a meteor right into Paris, even if it has nothing to do with the story, ’cause it’d look cool and the French like totally suck. Except at Cannes. Except I never win anything there, even though I’m an artist, so fuck them and let’s smash a meteor into Paris. It’d look so cool. Cool and funny, ’cause it’s in France. Will Smith is funny, so he can like say some funny stuff like all ad-lib, but the stuff that isn’t funny I’ll cut out, and cut in some more stuff with guns or maybe nipples, except the camera will be moving around in this giant circle all around everything, so it’ll still look all artsy. And Bruce Willis acts good when he’s bald, so I’ll make him shave his head for this one, and give him a percentage of the gross.

Needless to say, I don’t like Michael Bay movies. Frankly, I think the art of cinema, and the world in general, would be better had he been stillborn.

But back to Superman.

Here’s what I want: A dream cast and crew.

Tell me who should play the Man of Steel. Tell me who should play the villian (your choice of villian — Lex, Doomsday, Braniac, anyone). Who should write the screenplay. Who should direct. Who should play Lois and Jimmy and Perry White.

Click on the Drinks. Let’s have some fun.