Fantasy Baseball

We need two new (lower case!) major league baseball leagues.

Call them, say, the Federal League and the North American League. The “joined” leagues will be governed by the all-new Professional Baseball Association, or whatever you’d like to call it. The names aren’t important. What is important is that they are completely unaffiliated with the NL, the AL, MLB, the MLBPA, and the umpire’s union.


No more than 24 cities, 12 in each league, will be allowed to bid for teams. Let’s not continue to dilute our pitching talent, and let’s get rid of some deadweight players in other positions, too.

The election for PBA Commissioner will be held between George Will and Bob Costas. The loser will head up the rulebook-writing team. (Buh-bye DH rule and arbitrary strike zones!) The PBA constitution will state that no team may accept government funding or tax breaks for ballparks, concessions, parking, etc.

The PBA will have salary caps and revenue sharing, and the Commissioner will be selected by the same fine sportswriters who vote players into the Hall of Fame — not by the owners.

The office of Commissioner will have absolute veto power on team sales, movements, and rules changes. He will stand for election every three years.

New teams will be allowed to buy current team’s names, logos, uniforms, etc. Current MLB owners will be forbidden from holding controlling interests in new teams for a period of not less than ten years.


There will be no antitrust exemption for the new PBA.

Players will recieve an increasing annual bonus, paid for from the shared revenue pool, for each year they remain with the same team.

George Steinbrenner and Bud Selig will be locked in a room together with nothing but PCP and a hunting knife. The survivor, if any, will be shot upon escaping the room.

Did I miss anything?


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