All of a sudden it just started happening. Instead of buying a plane ticket to go somewhere, I became an unwilling "wedding" guest. Jerks on planes had ruined the natural order of things. Jerks made getting off planes one of the worst things about traveling. This is not merely a rant. We know each other better than that. Indeed, I offer a solution as tribute to stop this airline madness as the summer vacation season gets into full swing.
There are things one can do to make air travel more pleasant. I always give the poor guy in the middle seat the armrest. I say it explicitly so the person can relax, be comfortable, and not worry about where to put his elbows. I'd want someone to do that for me, but on the other hand, I do everything in my power to get an aisle seat so my chances of being in the middle seat are much reduced.
The last flight I took was a 2-1/2 hour West Coast, Messed Coast™ jaunt, and, due to a mix-up, I sat at the back of a Boeing Whistleblower Special in 31 C, still an aisle, but in the back. My chair didn't recline. Not that I use it, anyway. I don't usually recline my seat because I don't want to put my head on the lap of the passenger behind me. I try to be a thoughtful passenger, and planes are so small back in the cheap seats that reclining is almost taboo. My chief complaint about airline travel, which I'll get to in a second, was exacerbated by the fact that I was one of the last people off the plane.
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There are all kinds of unspoken rules about airline etiquette. Don't get drunk and barf. Don't scream on your phone. Passengers should keep their shoes on and not infiltrate another passenger's personal bubble—especially with their feet.
Did I mention infiltrating personal bubbles? Don't do this.
Please don't bring tuna or eggs to eat on the plane.
We can probably agree on all of these. But then there is the awful disembarking kabuki that has taken hold on airplanes in the last couple of years. It is a painful and time-wasting piece of performance art that has replaced COVID masks as the latest Karen virtue signal. Ugh.
When did we start unofficially dismissing people row by row? It sounds like a nice idea, like ushers at a formal wedding dismissing each row, but it actually sucks on an airplane.
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Some people believe that the rest of the plane should be held hostage while they make a move only when the row in front of them has left. They don't ready themselves. They haven't even taken off their seat belts. They make everyone behind them wait while they slowly get up, shake out the cobwebs, and only then reach for their belongings in the upper bin, belongings they could have already liberated much earlier. If I slip past, what's the big deal? I'm not slowing them down obviously. If these people were going any slower they'd be going backwards, as J.K. Rowling put it.
When did we get the idea that no one could make their way up the aisle to get off because the guy ahead of you hasn't made one move to get up? This inefficient way to disembark that some have mistaken for manners, combined with a bizarre sense of entitlement demanding that we hold off while we watch their kabuki dance, has made this process insufferable. If you're not decrepit, shake your tail feathers and get off the damned plane.
This lady gets no points for style, grace, or manners, but I do understand.
Recently, United Airlines announced a new way to board their airplanes. The acronym is WILMA and it translates into "window, middle, aisle." People in window seats would be allowed to board first, followed by the poor guy in the middle, and me in the aisle. They claim it is a much more efficient way to board a plane. Southwest Airlines loads its planes in zones. It, too. is more efficient.
All I want is for people to consider the reverse order of this process and have it announced over the PA. That's it. Aisle passengers could clear out fast with the understanding that we're expecting them to, ah, get out fast, and so on. Family groups could stay together but have to take their chances in the stream of humanity trying to get out.
Back to my last flight. By the time I got to baggage claim after a parade of Mr. and Mrs. Slowskis got out of the plane, my bag was gone. After looking for it for about half an hour at the other baggage carousels, I was directed to an office where it sat with others from the same flight. Lone bags in search of their owners.
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Now if you think this is a dumb complaint, fine. But know one thing: Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg asserting that airplane turbulence is caused by "climate change" is dumber.
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