On Wednesday afternoon, a certain mobile Dr. Pepper fridge went missing in the halls of Congress. A great heist had been perpetrated, leaving Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) without his refrigerator and the delicious syrupy liquid within. Later that afternoon, the dastardly Sen. Ben Sasse (R-Neb.) fessed up to the crime, holding the Dr. Pepper fridge hostage and demanding a ransom — that Ted Cruz fess up about what really happened when President John F. Kennedy was assassinated.
Rumor has it, Cruz’s father Rafael aided Kennedy’s assassin, and Sasse wanted to know the truth. He taunted the Texan with a threatening tweet.
“Hey [Ted Cruz] – fyi that your [Dr. Pepper] fridge is in a safe location — but it’s time to finally come clean about what really happened on Nov 22, 1963. Start talking…” the Nebraskan tweeted in an opening salvo.
— Ben Sasse (@BenSasse) May 1, 2019
The Texan responded with gravity befitting the heinous crime. “In Texas, stealing a man’s Dr. Pepper is a hanging offense. Just beware,” Cruz wrote, with a YouTube clip of Khan threatening James T. Kirk. Khan threatened revenge for some wrong Kirk had done — suggesting he would send Kirk out to die in the cold wastes of space.
— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) May 1, 2019
Ted Cruz and Ben Sasse may never speak to one another again, and if they do, Secret Service may be required to prevent bloodshed. Perhaps a standoff at high noon is required, and I wouldn’t want to be the Nebraskan in that duel.
At the very least, it shall no longer be a mystery as to how the dastardly Ben Sasse was able to pull off so wicked a heist. An anonymous source revealed to PJ Media the true story behind this heinous theft — Cruz and his staff were moving into another office.
The Nebraskan took advantage of the senatorial exodus, and snatched the vulnerable soda. According to PJ Media’s source, the refrigerator has not been returned.
Now the mystery of Dr. PepperGate has been solved, but will the animosity ever abate? Concerned citizens should get their books and other paraphernalia signed now, before Cruz and Sasse begin their duel at high noon tomorrow. Justice will be served, one way or another.
Correction: An earlier version of this article cited Khan as a Klingon because Khan quoted a Klingon proverb in the video Ted Cruz tweeted. Luckily, I have the best phaser to beat Khan in a duel myself.
Follow Tyler O’Neil, the author of this article, on Twitter at @Tyler2ONeil.