Dear Theater Owners of America,
Please resist the temptation to cancel showings of the new Seth Rogen/James Franco movie The Interview, merely because anonymous, possibly North Korean, hackers have threatened to turn your multiplexi into lakes of fire.
I’m not asking you to show this movie because I want to see it: I don’t. I won’t. From the previews, it looks like most Hollywood comedies — a plausible comedic scenario skinned bare of surprise and delight by sophomoric sex jokes and overly graphic violence. Subtlety is dead. Or as they say in Hollywood: “Subtlety is F%$&#ing dead from having its face melted off and head exploded in extreme closeup during sex with an amputee stripper.”
And I’m not even pressing you to show it on Christmas day, as planned. You should release it now, the sooner the better, for national security reasons.
That’s because Seth Rogen and James Franco — two affable mediocrities — represent the heart of what makes this country great. Only in America can you create such a tawdry and tedious work of artless, and get paid a combined $15 million for several months of work. In the process, Rogen and Franco’s debauch of Crosby & Hope has employed countless thousands of people, most of whom are vastly more skilled than the dyspeptic duo above the title.
But it’s not for economic reasons you must show it. It’s because…America!
Now, I understand why Sony is backpedaling from its own production. To a foreign firm America may simply mean fatter margins to go with the wider theater seats. But to us, America means that a man can stand up and say any cockamamy thing that passes through his public-schooled brain without fear of government retribution, and certainly without kowtowing before the porcine princeling of Pyongyang.
While the hackers have threatened 9/11-style attacks on theaters and nearby subdivisions, their threat bears the earmarks of the Kim dynasty.
We will clearly show it to you at the very time and places “The Interview” be shown, including the premiere, how bitter fate those who seek fun in terror should be doomed to.
Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made.
The world will be full of fear.
Remember the 11th of September 2001.
We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time.
(If your house is nearby, you’d better leave.)
Whatever comes in the coming days is called by the greed of Sony Pictures Entertainment.
All the world will denounce the SONY.
CUT TO: Theater audience roaring with laughter.
This is better comedic writing than we’re likely to find in the script of The Interview. Even the CIA — the agency whose overkill switch is allegedly always on — doesn’t take it seriously.
In 2013, North Korea’s Kim regime threatened to turn South Korea’s presidential office and residence (Blue House) into a “sea of fire.”
The year before that, a North Korean military leader said this…
“We will turn Seoul into a sea of flames by our strong and cruel artillery firepower….We are training hard, concentrating on revenge to shock [South Korea president] Lee Myung-bak’s traitorous group and the military warmongers in South Korea.”
And the year before that, the North Korean People’s Army threatened another “sea of fire in Blue House” if the leaders of South Korea “dare impair our dignity again.”
In case you haven’t followed the news, Blue House still stands, in a sea of tranquility.
So, dearest theater owners — in whose dark and sticky environs I have passed many a carefree hour, marveling at the flickering silver screen and wondering how I might employ my own mediocre abilities to get a piece of this sweet action — I implore you to man up and stand up for the kind of mindless mush that is the spawn of liberty, and the hallmark of the land of the free and the home of the brave.