Allah — the Most Compassionate, the Most Incendiary — has, in recent years, made it clear that he’s angry with Americans and uppity women (but I repeat myself). However over the weekend, we learned that Allah — the Nourisher, the Reliever (the latter, doubtless, while standing) — has become enraged by boutique coffee and chocolate shops.
As Australian authorities attempted to negotiate with a soldier of Allah — the Everlasting, the Attention-Deficit Disordered One — to release hostages and come out peacefully from the coffee and chocolates shop in which he has barricaded himself, I managed to secure an exclusive interview with the Muslim deity.
Below is an exact transcript of my one-on-one with Allah — the Most Candid, the Most Quotable — precisely as these words came to me from the angel, Gibreel, his official spokesman.
SCOTT OTT: Thanks for taking the time to do this interview. I know you’re a busy god.
ALLAH: Not at all. I run a decentralized operation, so I can focus on vision and strategy, while my agents in the field take care of the day-to-day stuff.
SCOTT OTT: Completely autonomous?
ALLAH: Well, they have the manual committed to memory, and as long as they don’t run afoul of it, they’re free to carry out my vision as they see fit. Middle managers help to head off violators.
SCOTT OTT: I see what you did there.
ALLAH: Forgive me.
SCOTT OTT: I thought that was your job.
SCOTT OTT: I can understand why you’ve been enraged by American soldiers and by women — particularly women, since they’re the greater threat — but what is it about coffee and chocolate shops that offends you?
ALLAH: Well, some think it’s the pricing, the atmosphere or the indefinable music. As for me, it’s the pretension that borders on idolatry.
SCOTT OTT: You mean it’s the hipsters?
ALLAH: In a word.
SCOTT OTT: But isn’t armed hostage-taking a bit O.T.T.?
ALLAH: I see what you did there, Scott Ott.
SCOTT OTT: Forgive me.
ALLAH: I’ll think about it.
SCOTT OTT: Seriously, why not organize a boycott of coffee and chocolate shops in the name of Allah, the Most Politically-Savvy?
ALLAH: It could backfire. I’ll give you three words: Chik-fil-A.
SCOTT OTT: I think only one of those is an actual word. But I see what you mean.
ALLAH: Listen, with our rapid expansion in Syria, Iraq and Detroit, we’re stretched a bit thin.
SCOTT OTT: Recruiting seems to be going well.
ALLAH: It is, but training presents a long-term challenge. It takes months, sometimes years, and a pile of cash to get a field agent ready for community organizing, public relations or airplane piloting, but we can have a fully-armed and combustible jihadi operational in 10 days at a fraction of the cost.
SCOTT OTT: I feel like you’re dodging my main question.
ALLAH: What was that?
SCOTT OTT: Why you’re so angry with hipsters that you’ll hit a coffee and chocolate shop.
ALLAH: Have you ever met a hipster?
SCOTT OTT: Touché. And yet, aren’t you afraid that all of these jihadis slaughtering unarmed people while shouting Allahu Akbar will hurt the brand?
ALLAH: Hurt the brand? That IS the brand.
SCOTT OTT: Fair enough. One more question.
SCOTT OTT: I see what you did there…and it makes me nervous.
ALLAH: It should.
SCOTT OTT: Are there really 72 virgins awaiting faithful jihadis in the afterlife? I mean seriously, how many Muslim women, or little girls, actually make it to the afterlife with their virginity intact?
ALLAH: We don’t talk about trade secrets.
SCOTT OTT: Sorry, I didn’t mean to get your goat.
ALLAH: Nobody gets my goat.
SCOTT OTT: Thanks for your time, Mr. Akbar.