The PJ Tatler

Foreign Governments Believe Some American Cities Are Too Dangerous to Visit

The Washington Post published a list of 16 American cities that foreign governments have warned travelers as being too dangerous to venture about in. Here are a few highlights.

Los Angeles California: France warns tourists to stay away from Hollywood. This makes total sense: Their movies are enough to make anyone terminally ill. Regarding California in general, if you stay too long, you’ll be robbed by state and local governments.

Detroit and New Orleans: Anybody who’s surprised about these two cities being included needs therapy, or perhaps different medication.

New York: France warns against visiting Times Square and the Statue of Liberty, which was built by a Frenchman. France also recommends not to visit Harlem, the Bronx, or Central Park at night. The last two locations were added because the French want to avoid being accused by our president of being racist. Also, if you see any soon-to-be unemployed politicians, run and hide. And avoid any sugary drinks over 12 ounces in size, lest you be terrorized by the Carbohydrate Police.

Miami, Florida: Canada’s foreign ministry warns that “Canadians have been the victims of crime such as break-ins, assaults and pickpocketing in the Miami area, sometimes during daylight hours.” Florida’s criminals know Canadians don’t carry concealed handguns, so they know Canucks are high-priority/low-risk targets. If you’re in Miami, don’t talk about the weather or hockey, and you’ll be fine.

Washington: France warns tourists against going to the Northeast or Southeast sectors; don’t go to Anacostia day or night; Union Station is dangerous at night. And don’t go near Congress or the White House. You’ll get mugged and robbed, and then they’ll steal your health insurance.

Brits warn El Paso, Texas visitors about violence at Mexican border, particularly at the crossing to Ciudad Juarez. But Mexico has draconian gun control just like Britain, which enacted their gun ban to address violence! (Failed.) I’m sure this is a Foreign Office typo. Just keep a stiff upper lip, and if that fails, act peeved.

France warns Houston, Texas tourists: “Be vigilant if traveling through Downtown, south and east Houston at night.” A smarter idea is to avoid trouble spots; second best is concealed carry. Predators hate prey that can fight back. (See above reference to Britain and Mexico.)

Meanwhile, the Germans have warned their travelers to avoid running afoul of indecent exposure laws and not go nude in public, though these laws are “rarely asserted and punished” as proven by Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus.