The PJ Tatler

Notes from the Producers Meeting at the Video Music Awards

The Tatler has obtained a partial transcript from the final producers meeting before the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards.

Executive Producer: So, gentlemen, all that’s left is to clear up Miley’s segment and the big summer hit sequence. What do we have so far?

Producer 1: Okay, here’s our beginning…

Producer 3: Hey hey hey!

Producer 1: According to my notes, we have the 20 year old grown up Disney princess in, let’s see, a teddy bear onesie, pixie punk hair and makeup, sticking out her tongue a lot and flashing her hands like gang signs while singing her unremarkable pop hit. Gentlemen, is that about right?

(nods of agreement)

Exec: Hm, that’s good. But can’t we add a little more? Her song isn’t very good. Gang signs are so last week. The media won’t notice them anyway.

Producer 1: Well, we do have some vinyl leftover from an old Madonna segment. We could re-use that. And we still haven’t really figured out what to do with that giant foam finger in the prop shop. Nobody here really gets sports. Got some big teddy bears laying around from a kids production. Other random stuff.

Exec: Teddy bears are sexy sexy sexy.

Producer 2: So are robots.

(nods of agreement)

Producer 1: What do we do with Robin Thicke? He dances like a corpse and he looks too much like the Growing Pains guy.

Producer 2: Well he is the Growing Pains guy’s son.

Exec: Kirk Cameron? He’s not that old is he?

Producer 2: Not Cameron, Cameron’s dad on the show. Cameron’s a Christian evangelist now, so, you know…

Muttering around the table. “They’re horrible.” “Bigots.” “Red state hicks.” “Duck Dynasty watchers.” “Why don’t they all go to hell.”

Exec: (slaps forehead) Oh, wait, so Robin Thicke is, like, 45 or so? We’re gonna have to young him down into our demo.

Producer 2: Can we have the onesie do something? Like, maybe, make Disney princess turn into a robot or something. Robots are popular with the kids.

Exec: And sexy. Question, gentlemen: Which is sexier: Teddy bears or robots?

(uncomfortable glances)

Exec: Who cares? We can have both! Let’s move on.

Producer 2: I’m not clear on something you mentioned earlier. Did we put Thicke in the onesie?

(uncomfortable glances around the table)

Producer 1: No. That wouldn’t get past his agent.

Producer 3: Hey hey hey!

Exec: Why’d you say that?

Producer 1: Ok, so no onesie for Thicke. I think I share everyone’s relief. (nods of agreement) Hm, Thicke looks just like a 1980s pop culture father figure. How about we dress him in a tux that’s striped, like a referee. You know, “Blurred Lines,” only, not blurred at all? Very very clear lines, and we’re gonna cross them.

Exec: I like it. I like it a lot. Sort of an obvious reversal thing. What else?

Producer 1: We can use the old Madonna vinyl, have it hosed down and sand blasted, paint it skin color, put it under Disney princess’ onesie.

Producer 2: And she rips off the onesie and looks naked next to Growing Pains! Naked, still very young Disney princess does 80s father figure clone while America unwittingly plays voyeur. Love it!

Exec: Hm, kind of a Roman Polanski vibe. Disney princess will absolutely shock America. She was such a good girl…

Producer 3: Hey hey hey!

Exec: Why do you keep saying that?

Producer 1: And the naked Disney princess will remind the audience of Growing Pains’ uncensored video that we’re supposed to find shocking but is helping sell a million downloads to kids.

(nods of agreement)

Exec: Gentlemen, there’s still the matter of robots. We don’t have any in the show yet. Not one single robot. We have to have some robots. Our target demo, 11 to 15 year old kids, really loves robots.

Producer 2: And they’re sexy.

Producer 1: We have teddy bears. Giant teddy bears. Girls in the demo will go wild.

Exec: And teddy bears are sexy. But what about boys? They’re not really into Disney princess or teddy bears. How do we engage them?

Producer 1: Light sabers?

Exec: Too safe. Too Disney.

Producer 3: Guns?

Exec: Are you kidding? They’re evil.

Producer 2: Transformers?

Exec: Far too plastic.

Producer 3: Hey hey hey!

Exec glances over at Producer 3.

Producer 1: Giant crosses? With flames?

Exec: That would be shocking, but didn’t Madonna already do that, like, a million years ago?

Producer 2: Yeah, and I think Gaga already imitated it too.

Producer 1: Those two are tough to top. Even when one rips off the other.

(nods of agreement ripple around the table)

Exec: Hm. Have naked Disney princess tongue kiss Gaga?

Producer 1: Madonna, Britney Spears. Been there, done that, years ago.

Exec: Of course. All right. I got it. We’ve got teddy bears, which we all agree are fantastic. Super sexy. Parents will see them and think the rest of the segment must be safe.

Producer 2: Kids in our demo love ’em. So do some men Growing Pains’ age. (turns to Exec) Didn’t you once tell me…

Exec: (clears throat) Never mind that. So Disney princess strips down to Madge’s hosed down vinyl and dances very provocatively. She, what’s the word?

Producer 3: Twerks?

Exec: Right. She twerks. A lot. I saw that on YouTube, seems to be popular. Twerks. Sticks out her tongue. And she uses the innocent sports prop as a sex toy, grabs Growing Pains’ crotch. A lot. She, I don’t know, motorboats a balloon bear while Growing Pains stands there rapping in his ref tux or something. The teddy bears–

Producer 1: Are really robots!

Producer 2: Genius! Girls will love that. Boys will love that. Those middle aged men who like teddy bears will love that. The media will play it back over and over for days while pretending to find it shocking. Free airtime for weeks!

(nods of agreement)

Exec: Gentlemen, I think we’re getting somewhere. Read the notes back to me, Dave.

Producer 1: Mm, we have Disney princess stripping down to Madonna’s hosed down vinyl to appear nude while she gyrates and simulates various forms of sex before a global audience with the 80s father figure guy, Growing Pains, with balloon and robot teddy bears to symbolize lost youth. Or something.

(nods of agreement, smattering of applause)

Exec: Gentlemen, this is art. We have a show. It’s so good it’s almost unbearable.

Producer 3: Hey hey hey!

Producer 1: Only one problem: How do we top this next year?

Silence. Muttering. “Cameron…hate that guy.” Furrowed brows and sips of coffee.

Exec: Well, gentlemen, we have a year to figure that out. Lunch?

h/t Emily Zanotti Sykes