The PJ Tatler

Obama: 'I’m Not the Strapping Young Muslim Socialist That I Used to Be'

President Obama quipped at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner Saturday night that he’s “not the strapping young Muslim socialist” he once was as gray has salted his hair.

“And yet, even after all this time, I still make rookie mistakes.  Like, I’m out in California, we’re at a fundraiser, we’re having a nice time.  I happen to mention that Kamala Harris is the best-looking attorney general in the country. As you might imagine, I got trouble when I got back home.  Who knew Eric Holder was so sensitive?” he said.

He mentioned the Jay-Z Cuba trip controversy, adding, “I’ve got 99 problems and now Jay-Z is one.”

Obama then started digging into the press corps. “I know CNN has taken some knocks lately, but the fact is I admire their commitment to cover all sides of a story, just in case one of them happens to be accurate,” he said. According to witnesses, the CNN table got a good laugh out of this.

“Some of my former advisors have switched over to the dark side. For example, David Axelrod now works for MSNBC, which is a nice change of pace since MSNBC used to work for David Axelrod,” the president continued. “The History Channel is not here. I guess they were embarrassed about the whole Obama-is-a-devil thing. Of course, that never kept Fox News from showing up. They actually thought the comparison was not fair — to Satan.”

Obama quipped that Buzzfeed “was just something I did in college around 2:00 a.m.”

He claimed the best “tell it like it is” political “news” source in town is his propaganda arm at the official White House website.

The president also joked that chief Romney backer Sheldon Adelson “would have been better off offering me $100 million to drop out of the race.”

“I know Republicans are still sorting out what happened in 2012, but one thing they all agree on is they need to do a better job reaching out to minorities. And look, call me self-centered, but I can think of one minority they could start with. Hello?  Think of me as a trial run, you know? See how it goes.”

Lamenting the frustrations of his charm offensive not wooing the GOP, he said, “I am not giving up.  In fact, I’m taking my charm offensive on the road — a Texas barbeque with Ted Cruz, a Kentucky bluegrass concert with Rand Paul, and a book-burning with Michele Bachmann.” He later made a reference to Groucho Marx and added, “Senator Cruz, that’s Groucho Marx, not Karl”.

“One senator who has reached across the aisle recently is Marco Rubio, but I don’t know about 2016.  I mean, the guy has not even finished a single term in the Senate and he thinks he’s ready to be president. Kids these days,” Obama continued.

The president added some serious notes about the “difficult days” of the Boston bombing and West, Texas, fertilizer plant explosion to the standard correspodents’ dinner schtick.

“I’m also hard at work on plans for the Obama Library. And some have suggested that we put it in my birthplace, but I’d rather keep it in the United States,” Obama said. “Did anybody not see that joke coming? Show of hands. Only Gallup? Maybe Dick Morris?”