The PJ Tatler

Senate Democrats Pretend to Make a Budget

Time to play another exciting game of Find! The! Cuts! Whether you’re a part of our studio audience or just watching from home, it’s the most exciting game you can play with Senator Patty Murray’s (D-Spendsylvania) new Senate budget. So let’s pull up the scorecard and see what we can find:

The $975 billion in spending cuts include $240 billion in savings from the end of the Afghanistan war and $242 billion in reduced interest payments, according to a source.

Remember, that’s $975,000,000,000 in “cuts” over the next ten years, or roughly the size of just this year’s totally real new debt. But now let’s look at the two biggest items, war and interest payments.

The savings from the Afghanistan War assume we were going to fight there indefinitely, even though the commander-in-chief (remember him?) said we’d be out in 2014. That’s like saying, “I’m going to spend 242 dollars on this new stereo I’ve had my eye on.” But then changing your mind and claiming that you’d saved $242. I can save us five trillion dollars right now, immediately, by promising to terraform and colonize each of Jupiter’s moons with clones of Hugh Grant, then canceling the program due to “extreme silliness.”

Then there’s the $240,000,000,000 in reduced interest payments on the existing debt. The only proper response to that is “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,” followed by wiping away tears of pure blood. Interest payments will go nowhere but up, especially if Rosy Scenario somehow comes through with her promise of future robust growth. Those “savings” are, again, calculated by estimating how much higher they’d be if we went ahead with Project Hugh Grant, and then scrapping it because it’s just too difficult to obtain his DNA without first gaining access to a transvestite hooker.

Add up the fake savings for a total of $482,000,000,000, which we then subtract from the promised $975,000,000,000, for “real” savings of only $493,000,000,000. Again, spread out over ten years for an average “cut” of under $50,000,000,000 a year — or barely more than half of what the sequester cut this year alone.

And, uh, by the way, Murray’s budget eliminates the actual, real-life sequester savings to make room for her pretend Democrat savings.

But we aren’t quite done yet.

From our reduced “real” savings of $493,000,000,000, we have to factor in two more things to get to the really real savings you can expect from a Democrat budget. What are those two more things? Democrats and RINOs.

Factoring in them brings the remaining $493,000,000,000 down to a big fat ZERO, from which we must further subtract whatever damn-fool thing the DemoRINOs think they’ll need to spend invest in next. Jobs programs, infrastructure, free condoms for snail darters, whatevs. Use your imagination; get all stupid with it — you know they will.

Murray’s budget — and the politicians who support it — is laughable on its face, and tragedy deep down.

P.S. Even if you take Patty’s numbers as real, although you can bet for damn sure her trillion-dollar tax-hike is as real as cancer, she still can’t get the budget balanced in ten years.

Try again, Patty-cakes.