The PJ Tatler

Redefining Modern Politics and Economics

Many people seem to be confused by the recent protests such as Occupy Wall Street, because they don’t understand who the real bad guys are. Here’s a handy compendium to get you up to date.

A Prostitician campaigns for office, convincing constituents they’re loved while accepting vast sums of money from special interests. Once in office, the prostitician serves their “sponsors” while lying skillfully enough to convince constituents they’re still being represented. Just like prostitutes, somebody’s getting scr***d, somebody enjoys it, and money changes hands.

A Corpirate is a business entity given special tax and regulation considerations because they submitted the proper government paperwork and paid the requisite bribes fees. Corpirates are also members of the executive committee of these businesses, charged with maximizing the value of their stock options regardless of ethical or legal concerns. Corpirates then force via threats of termination encourage employees to pool their campaign contributions under the company umbrella. Yes, businesses cannot contribute directly to prostiticians, but hundreds of employees from one business sends all the message needed, which is why Open Secrets classifies campaign finance by industry and company. When a company’s contributions amount to millions, prostiticians listen. When that company’s industry contributes hundreds of millions, prostiticians respond with favors like the Troubled Assets Relief Program, which stole gave $700 billion of our tax dollars to wealthy corporate “sponsors” to save them from the consequences of their own poor business decisions.

In 2010, businesses contributed $1.2 billion to federal campaigns. That’s a lot of influence to ensure favorable legislation that protects profits by tilting the playing field.

Thus, we have General Electric Chairman Jeff Immelt campaigning for lower corporate taxes, even though GE paid no taxes on $14.2B in profits in 2010. Immelt is Obama’s Jobs Czar, whose company sent jobs overseas while shedding American jobs.

Capitalism is dead! Long live corpiratism!

We don’t need no stinking capitalism!

You see, business as usual works…for those in power. Why should they change?