Is this the biggest week ever for FMF?
It just might be.
In addition to the snake orgy in the headline, we have a bra full of marijuana (should “braful” be one word?), jars full (jarsful?) of human tongues, a pantless ribeye thief, and so much more.
And there’s something in the water in New Hampshire this week, too.
So welcome, one and all, to another exciting…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)
Bath salts — not even once!
Actually, we don’t know if Florida Man was on bath salts because not even Florida Man is sure what Florida Man was on:
A Hialeah Gardens man went on an alcohol- and hallucinogenic-fueled rampage with a sledgehammer, thinking he was killing “demons” who were tormenting him.
Instead, he was smashing windows, damaging cars and destroying his own home, according to the Monroe County Sheriff’s Office.
On Sunday afternoon, multiple Little Torch Key residents called 911 to report the man with a sledgehammer on Pirates Road destroying property in the neighborhood.
When deputies arrived, witnesses said the man had jumped into a canal. The sledgehammer-carrying suspect was found walking down the next street, Blackbeard Road.
With their guns drawn, the deputies ordered the man, later identified as 32-year-old Rafael Suarez Gomez, to drop the sledgehammer and get on the ground. He dropped the weapon but then curled into a fetal position on the ground and pulled away as the deputies tried to handcuff him. Gomez was then stunned with a Taser and taken into custody.
He later told deputies he’d been drinking that day when someone gave him an unknown narcotic/hallucinogenic drug.
Dude. I don’t even always take the drugs my doctor tells me to take.
Make the Punishment Fit the Crime
In my mind this is exactly how it went down. (Image by WikiImages from Pixabay.)
Marijuana in bra leads to bigger bust.
ISWYDT.
The details:
The smell of marijuana emanating from a Grand Ridge woman’s bra led Jackson County deputies to a honeypot of drugs, paraphernalia, and cash.
The incident began on Friday when a deputy assisted a motorist who had broken down at the intersection of Highway 71 and Blue Springs Road. After helping the driver, Chasity Daniels, move the vehicle the deputy noticed the strong odor of marijuana coming from the vehicle.
Daniels said it was from the remnants of a marijuana cigarette in her bra. After the deputy determined Daniels did not have a prescription for medical marijuana the deputy brought in a female deputy who searched Daniels and found, “larger portion of Marijuana than Daniels advised having.”
Florida Woman’s name was Chastity Daniels and there wasn’t an altercation at a strip club involved? Even with the whole bra thing, I’m a little disappointed, actually.
Lastly, a tip for Florida Woman: You’re supposed to hide stuff in the last place we’d look, not the first.
The Last Place You’d Look and the Last Thing You’d Want to Find
(Image by Ale Hidalgo from Pixabay.)
Florida man stored jars of preserved human tongues in his crawlspace.
To be completely fair, it’s not like Florida Man could just leave them out on the mantle.
Probably nothing nefarious going on here, BT-DUB, just a researcher bringing his work home with him:
In Gainseville, Florida, a routine crawlspace inspection turned up jars of preserved human tongues that date back to the 1960s. Police are currently investigating whether the tongues were related to research conducted by the home’s previous owner, Ronald A. Baughman, a University of Florida professor emeritus whose work focused on oral medicine and surgery.
Exit question: Do homes in Florida even have mantles?
I Can’t Stop Watching This
— Unusual Videos 🤔 (@UnusualVideos) February 20, 2020
Accident or on purpose? YOU make the call!
High-Wire Act
(Screencap courtesy of CBS-5, Pensacola.)
Florida Man sex offender climbs 365-foot radio tower to flee from police.
True story.
My wife’s least favorite character in any movie is the one she calls “the run-up-the-stairs girl.” You know the one: The helpless victim who is also not that bright. When the bad guy is chasing her, instead of heading for the woods or (better yet) grabbing the pistol she trains with every weekend and shooting the guy, she runs UP THE STAIRS with no possibility of escape.
Dumb.
Melissa would rather have dinner at Hannibal Lector’s place or take a shower with Norman Bates than watch one more movie with a Run Up the Stairs Girl.
Florida Man, don’t be that girl.
So Many States, So Little Time
(Screencap courtesy of WHAS-11.)
According to the report, that Florida Woman you see there is all of 29 years old.
I had to double-check this story to make sure it was real since those mugshots were almost too out there to be believed.
I needn’t have bothered though.
Still, there is a website that specializes in fake Florida Man stories (I won’t bother you with the link), which seems like a complete waste of time given the depth of genuine Florida Man stories.
Not to mention the mugshots, sheesh.
It’s Always National Pet Day in Florida
Because this is #NationalPetDay, I just thought I'd mention that people in #Florida have a broader definition of the word "pet" than people in other states. For instance, this #Florida woman: https://t.co/eAMpkfY4O1
— Craig Pittman (@craigtimes) February 21, 2020
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Florida Woman claims hospital sent her home with bullet still inside her skull.
• Shirtless Florida Man had toddler tucked between his legs on motorcycle.
• Florida Woman’s magnetic lashes are an alternative beauty tool.
• Thong-wearing Florida Man arrested while building shed with garbage on stranger’s property.
• After residents cry fowl: Miami to relocate pack of peacocks.
And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida deputy who saved man from burning vehicle did ‘what I live for.’
We can always use more soft-spoken good guys — in all 50 states.
I’m Sorry to Have to Post This Item But Florida, Man
Florida man arrested for pulling gun on escort. "She was touching everything in my house but my dick" https://t.co/p9GlQNjIzG pic.twitter.com/kM0EwCThtd
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) February 21, 2020
Moving right along…
FLORIDA ASKS THE QUESTIONS NO ONE ELSE CAN: Are pirates buried in these Tampa graves?
So Long As All the Reptiles Involved Were Consenting Adults
Florida snake orgy forces officials to close area of park.
If my wife ever checks my search history and sees that I was looking up images for a snake orgy, I’m definitely going to have some ‘splainin to do.
A few details, nothing prurient:
Officials in Lakeland say a number of the reptiles have gathered this week to make love near Lake Hollingsworth.
“They are non-venomous and generally not aggressive as long as people do not disturb them,” the city’s parks and recreation department wrote on Facebook. “Once the mating is over they should go their separate ways.”
Man, that’s cold-blooded.
Misteaks Were Made
For internal use only.
(Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay )
Florida Man tried to escape cops by stripping naked. Ribeyes fell out of his pants.
You can probably guess the big details. Florida Man gets caught shoplifting steaks at a local grocery store, the manager and another guy pin him down until the cops arrive, Florida Man wriggles free from the cops, but in the process loses his pants and all that meat falls out.
And now, for the rest of the story…
Florida Man “was taken to a hospital after it was discovered that a Taser prong struck him in the genitals,” according to the story.
Florida Man was also being held without bail, but honestly, where are you going to go and show your face after that?
Only One Animal Was No Animals Were Harmed in the Making of This Item
(Image by Christine Trewer from Pixabay.
Florida woman arrested for forcing her boyfriend to eat the hamster he gave her for Valentine’s Day.
I have no idea what to say to this one, other than maybe stick with flowers and candy.
Wow!
Beloved 'Granny' to many, Florida woman celebrates 106th birthday https://t.co/EDpDyYcFnR
— The Palm Beach Post (@pbpost) February 17, 2020
If I look half that good at 106, it will only be because I spent the previous 40 years embalmed in a climate-controlled tomb like Lenin is.
Meanwhile, in New Hampshire…
Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)
New Hampshire Man charged with slapping 15-year-old Trump supporter outside polling station.
Come see the violence inherent in the leftism!
But wait, there’s more…
New Hampshire Police chief stripped of duties disrobes, walks into storm in underwear.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T:
The police chief in a New Hampshire town took it literally when he was stripped of his duties at a local board meeting, disrobing to his underwear and walking out into a snowstorm.
Richard Lee has been chief in the small town of Croydon for 20 years. On Tuesday night, the three-member selectboard voted to eliminate the one-man department and move to 100% coverage by the New Hampshire State Police.
Lee, who was at the meeting, was told to turn in the key to his cruiser, his guns and his uniform — immediately. He went into an office he shared with town officials and took off his clothes before the board chairman.
I don’t know what’s going on in New Hampshire, but I can tell you that a pair of stories like these can mean just one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next thrilling installment of…
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