Florida Man Friday: Fake Bernie Sanders Gets Real Dirty

What a week it's been.

We have the Wu Tang Not-Clan, an otter attack, Dirty Bernie, and so much more -- all on another thrilling edition of...

Florida Man Friday!

We'll begin as we always do with...

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)

Florida Man arrested for DUI after pulling cop over to ask for directions.

Arrest ME? Arrest YOU!

Juan Zamora, 63, allegedly began flashing his vehicle’s high beams at Deputy Calvin Batts’ squad car, according to the arrest warrant.

Batts pulled his vehicle over and spoke with Zamora who smelled of alcohol, had bloodshot, watery eyes and was “unsteady on his feet,” Batts stated in the report.

When Batts asked how much Zamora had to drink that night, Zamora said he was “legally disabled” and had only drank “two shots of bourbon hours ago,” the report said.

Not surprisingly, Zamora was asked to prove he wasn’t intoxicated.

Zamora, seemingly confident in himself, agreed to take field sobriety tests. He struggled with the tests but blamed the difficulty on his disability, Batts wrote.

The situation only got worse when Batts discovered a “small dime bag” in Zamora’s front shirt pocket and a field test confirmed the white powdered substance in the bag was cocaine.

Batts then asked Zamora to take a breathalyzer test, which the 63-year-old allegedly refused initially.

“You didn’t pull me over. I pulled you over,” Zamora said according to the report.

There's one missing detail I find bothersome: Why get drunk and pack cocaine for a trip to the auto parts store?

Valentine's Day, Florida Style

(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)

Florida Woman Raged After Beau Rejected Sex Bid.

Romance isn't dead, but Florida Man might be if he doesn't start making a little whoopee.

Even More Romance, Florida Style

(Image by Reaper DZ from Pixabay)

Um... thanks?

Florida man gives wife Valentine's Day gift she will never forget - he named a shark after her.

Not All Heroes Wear Capes (But This One Does)

This one is actually from back in September, but I somehow missed it. It might also be the best thing I've read since back in September:

A mother in Crystal River, Florida, was concerned when her three-year-old daughter was coming home from preschool with bruises, and then a black eye.

The woman’s daughter said that other students were hitting her, and threw a shoe at her. The concerned mother reported the incident to the school, but her daughter was still facing issues. Then the mother reached out on social media and received an unconventional solution to their problem.

A local Batman impersonator, Jack Asbury, saw the Facebook plea, and offered to walk the little girl to her pre-school class.

This was a beautiful gesture done purely out of the kindness of this man’s heart. Follow The Batman of Spring Hill to see the other acts of kindness done by Jack Asbury. The guy deserves a ton of fans and accolades for the good he is doing in the world. When Fred Rogers said to look for the helpers in the world, this is one of the people he was talking about.

No joke(r).

Bring Da Ruckus

(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)

Florida Man Pretended To Be Member of Wu-Tang Clan in Fraud Scheme.

Details:

NBC affiliate WPMI-TV reports that 28-year-old Aaron-Barnes-Burpo from Crestview was one of two men charged with conspiracy to commit wire fraud and aggravated identity theft in a Georgia federal court.

According to the arrest report, Barnes-Burpo helped organize a group of people to act like members of the iconic ensemble and use stolen credit cards to rent everything from luxury limousines to hotel rooms in cities like Atlanta and Nashville.

In all fairness, you can't blame anyone named Aaron-Barnes-Burpo for wanting to be somebody else.

It Must Be Something in the Air

Maybe he was just holding them for a friend.

Not Without My Florida Daughter!

True Story.

Not long after my wife and I moved to the woodlands atop Monument Hill in the Colorado Springs exurbs, we had a minor bear invasion.

I was still in the shower when she was leaving the house with the baby, now age 14. They'd been gone only a few seconds when she came back into the bathroom and said, "Bear."

"What do you mean, 'bear'?"

"There's a bear in the garage," she explained with an almost creepy calmness.

"Well... you guys want to hang out in here for a few?"

So we chatted for a few minutes while I shaved, got dressed, and checked the garage for any bears. No bears, so Melissa took the baby and ran her errands.

Really, not much changed after that except we don't leave the garage door open ever.

News Brief: Only in Florida

Florida Man finds 7-foot alligator inside garage.

Florida Woman calls 911 for a ride to buy more alcohol.

Florida Man arrested after spraying people with fire extinguisher at Walmart.

Florida Woman let sons operate drug ring in downtown senior complex.

Florida Man Accused Of Shoplifting While Holding A Puppy.(I would have a very hard time arresting anyone holding a puppy.)

And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.

_ _ _ _ N_ / _ / _ _ _CER.

The headline is a Wheel of Fortune clue. Can you guess it in ten seconds?

Me, neither.

Here it is once more: _ _ _ _ N_ / _ / _ _ _CER.

Still no?

But Florida Woman could, and got a nice little payday out of her one weird skill.

Cause and Effect, How Do They Work?

(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)

Florida man calls police after man he robbed, stabbed fired shots at him.

I got nothin'.

Hostile Work Environment Turned Upside Down

Florida Woman Accused Of Stalking Her Former Boss For A Year.

The story says she was trying to get her job back.

How does "stalking the victim at the grocery store and parking outside her home overnight" help with that, exactly?

It's Always in the Last Place You Look

(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)

Brevard woman hid meth in child’s diaper, deputies say

As the father of two boys, I've found way worse stuff in diapers than that.

You know it's true.

First, Do No Harm

If this is what someone needs to help get them through, then why not?

Florida Man Doesn't Know Art, But He Knows What He Likes

Before you judge Florida Man, let me ask you this: Would American politics be any worse off if every candidate for high office had a doodling doppelganger?

Not All Heroes Wear Capes II

I drove past a burning car last summer by a highway offramp. The driver was on the side of the road with his cellphone out, completely unharmed, so I didn't stop. In the second or so it took to drive by the Subaru Inferno, I could feel the heat hit the right side of my body through the closed window.

Can you imagine running into something hot enough to do that?

Meanwhile, on the Other Side of the World...

Chinese man covers himself in gasoline while strapped to firecrackers after coronavirus cancels birthday bash.

It's my party and I'll fry if I want to?

Big kudus to China Man for providing the single solitary laugh to be found out of the entire coronavirus outbreak, but seriously, DO NOT DO THAT.

I mean, you'll only tempt Florida Man into upping his game.

And hopefully, Florida Man will manage to do just that in time for next week's thrill-a-minute...

Florida Man Friday!