The Most Disgusting, Immoral, and Depraved ‘Pro-Military’ Country Song Is…

Taste of Country called it “the most genuine, understated tribute ever penned to our military.”

Here’s a link:

 As well as the lyrics:

I was just out of the service thumbing through the classifieds
When an ad that said, "old Chevy" somehow caught my eye
The lady didn't know the year or even if it ran
But I had that thousand dollars in my hand

It was way back in the corner of this old ramshackle barn
With thirty years of dust and dirt on that green Army tarp
And when I pulled the cover off, it took away my breath
What she called a Chevy was a 66 Corvette

I felt a little guilty as I counted out the bills
What a thrill I got when I sat behind the wheel
I opened up the glove box and that's when I found the note
The date was nineteen sixty-six and this is what he wrote

He said, "My name is Private Andrew Malone
And if you're reading this, then I didn't make it home
But for every dream that's shattered, another one comes true
This car was once a dream of mine, now it belongs to you
And though you may take her and make her your own
You'll always be riding with Private Malone"

Well, it didn't take me long at all, I had her running good
I loved to hear those horses thunder underneath her hood
I had her shining like a diamond and I'd put the ragtop down
All the pretty girls would stop and stare as I drove her through town

The buttons on the radio didn't seem to work quite right
But it picked up that oldie show, especially late at night
I'd get the feeling sometimes, if I turned real quick I'd see
A soldier ridin' shotgun in the seat right next to me

It was a young man named Private Andrew Malone
Who fought for his country and never made it home
But for every dream that's shattered, another one comes true
This car was once a dream of his, back when it was new
He told me to take her and make her my own
And I was proud to be riding with Private Malone

Well, one night it was raining hard, I took the curve too fast
I still don't remember much about that fiery crash
Someone said they thought they saw a soldier pull me out
They didn't get his name, but I know without a doubt

It was a young man named Private Andrew Malone
Who fought for his country and never made it home
But for every dream that's shattered, another one comes true
This car was once a dream of his, back when it was new
And I know I wouldn't be here if he hadn't tagged along
Yeah, that night, I was riding with Private Malone

Oh, thank God, I was riding with Private Malone
Private Malone

Okay, let’s examine this more closely:

If the 1966 Corvette had 30 years of dust on the tarp, the year must’ve been 1996.  The car was priced at $4,295 when it was brand new — and 30 years later, it was considered a classic, selling for anywhere between $15,000 to $30,000, depending on its condition. (And we KNOW it was in good condition because “it didn’t take long at all” to get it “running good.”)

Yet this fink only paid the mom — who was a Gold Star mother, I remind you — $1,000!

And obviously, the mom didn’t have a clue what the car was worth: That’s why she referred to it as an “old Chevy” in the classified ad. She was innocent and naïve.

That narrator ripped off a Gold Star mom!

Ask yourself: Why would the mother be selling the car now, 30 years after her son’s death? Does that make any sense?

The most likely answer: She was in a financial crisis.

After all, she held onto Private Andrew Malone’s car for three decades. Clearly, it meant a lot to her. It was probably an invaluable reminder of her son, who “fought for his country and never made it home.”

Maybe she was in a medical crisis and desperately needed the money!

So she was in a dire financial crunch and had to make a difficult decision — and that rat-fink narrator robbed her blind. And he KNEW it was wrong, too: He even mentioned that he “felt a little guilty.”

(But not guilty enough to tell the mom how much the car was actually worth.)

Plus, there was a handwritten note in the glove box from Private Malone — and the narrator didn’t even share it with the grieving mother!

That’s just mean. Don’t you think it would’ve meant the world to her to receive one last message from her kid? What kind of self-absorbed narcissist would keep a dead soldier’s letter for himself?

Furthermore, the car was, evidently, some sort of mystical, spiritual portal: That’s why the narrator kept seeing and feeling Private Malone’s presence everywhere he went. 

Somehow, the 66 Corvette linked a long-dead soldier to our terrestrial plane.

My theory: Private Malone had unfinished business on earth and was trying to pull a My Mother Car to right a horrible wrong. (Like Sam Beckett on Quantum Leap.) All he needed was someone to help him, but alas, all he got was this jerk.

Why do you think the radio didn’t work so well — but everything else did? Private Malone wanted the driver to listen to HIM, not the radio!

Clearly, he was trying to communicate something. Any decent human would’ve taken the time to listen. 

And we know the narrator isn’t a decent human because he NEVER invited the mom to ride with him. Don’t you think she deserved an opportunity to feel her son’s presence, too? She’s his mother, for goodness sakes! Who’s more deserving than her?

Maybe Private Malone was trying to communicate something to her! Maybe that’s why he can’t leave earth!

(If so, it was probably, a warning: “Mom! For the love of God, don’t sell my 66 Corvette to that charlatan for a lousy $1K! He’s robbing you blind! Sell it to ANYONE but that guy!”)

But nobody warned her. And that greedy, no-good jerk preyed on a Gold Star mom’s naivety, kept her dead son’s note, didn’t share his spiritual portal/car with anyone else, and continued speeding around town.

In fact, he was speeding so much, he totaled the car — thus shattering Private Malone’s last portal to our world. And now, his poor, grieving, impoverished mother — who’s probably in desperate need of an emergency operation — will never have an opportunity to ride with her baby boy, Private Malone.

I hate that song. The narrator sucks!

#JusticeForPrivateMalone