Mother’s Day is in May. (Happy Mother’s Day to all you wonderful moms, by the way!) Father’s Day is in June.
You do realize what this means, gents? If you got your wife a crappy Mother’s Day gift, you’re gonna get something just as crappy for Father’s Day!
(I’ll betcha you’re rethinking that Roomba you got her, eh?)
If Father’s Day came first, the average man would get way better presents. Whoever planned the calendar was almost certainly a woman.
That’s not to say that mothers don’t deserve recognition. Of course they do: Moms are awesome. Congrats to all of you.
My favorite mother in the animal kingdom is the Scolopendra gigantea — the giant centipede. They’re different than most centipedes, and not just because they can grow up to a foot long. They’re brave hunters, feasting on bugs, frogs, and even bats(!). But what’s so unusually maternal about ‘em is how much they care for their babies: The mama will lay her eggs and protect them with her body, striking any predator that dares approach.
Then she waits.
Once the eggs are hatched, the babies immediately start EATING their mother —devouring her while she’s still alive. The mom sacrifices herself, offering her whole body as their very first meal. It’s why the Scolopendra gigantea (very obviously) only reproduces once in its lifetime. Here’s a link, if you’re curious what babies’ first feast looks like.
Talk about an accurate analogy for motherhood!
So I’m certainly not knocking moms. I wouldn’t be here without one.
But there’s a glaring lack of equity between the two holidays.
Mother’s Day was recognized as a national holiday in 1914. Father’s Day wasn’t recognized ‘til 1972. From the very beginning, men were an afterthought.
But to be fair, women were also an afterthought: It wasn’t women who lobbied for the holiday, but florists and card companies:
After some initial resistance, the Senate rejected the idea on the first try. The holiday finally took off in part from lobbying by florists and the holiday card companies.
The whole story of Mother’s Day is sick, twisted, and sad. It was actually created by an American woman named Anna Jarvis. Her initial motive was as pure as the driven snow: Shortly before her mom died in 1905, she overheard her say, “I hope and pray that someone, sometime, will found a memorial Mother’s Day…”
Anna Jarvis loved her mom and sought to fulfill her dying dream. And so, she organized the first Mother’s Day service at her church in 1908. Less than a decade later, the holiday was federally recognized.
Nice, right?
Alas, society treated Anna Jarvis kind of like the Scolopendra gigantea’s babies treat their mama: Everyone profited from the holiday except her. And the crass commercialization of Mother’s Day led her to fight for the holiday to be canceled.
One of Anna's final acts, while still living with her sister [Lillian], was to go door-to-door in Philadelphia asking for signatures to back an appeal for Mother's Day to be rescinded.
Obviously, this was lousy PR for the florists and greeting card companies: So, they did the logical, sensible thing.
They threw Anna Jarvis into an insane asylum.
Once [Anna] had been admitted to the sanatorium, Lillian soon died of carbon monoxide poisoning while trying to heat the run-down house. "Police claimed that icicles hung from the ceiling because it was so cold," says Antolini. Anna herself died of heart failure in November 1948.
Anna never left the Marshall Square Sanitarium. And you’ll never guess who paid the bills to keep her locked up:
The greeting card companies and the florists!
Guys: This is a really good story to share with your wife and/or mom if you got ‘em lousy Mother’s Day gifts. If she’s liberal, tell her that Mother’s Day is sort of the Confederate statue of federal holidays, and you couldn’t in good conscience participate in such a sordid tradition. “I totally wanted to get you a GREAT gift… but when I thought about what the evil Patriarchy did to poor Anna Jarvis, I couldn’t morally do it.”
Pro Tip: Sadly nod while telling her the story. If you can fake crying, go for it.
But be sure to add: “Of course, FATHER’S DAY is next month. And none of OUR founders were institutionalized by the Patriarchy. So, here’s what I’d like…”
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