I’m not an alcoholic. But for most of my 20s, I sure drank like one.
Never got a DUI. Never really got in trouble (other than the occasional stupid and/or cringeworthy decision at closing time). But I definitely drank to excess. Sometimes I’d even black out.
The morning afternoon following a blackout was always a hoot: you’d rummage through your pockets, playing a grownup’s version of “Blue’s Clues” — desperately sorting through your pile of receipts, trying to figure out what the hell happened. (That was fun.)
If I woke up safe and snug in my own bed — and my wallet and wristwatch were already on my nightstand — it meant I was probably okay: nothing to worry about. But if I was still wearing my wristwatch and my wallet was still in my pants, I knew I overdid it.
And if I woke up wearing my wristwatch AND my shoes were still on? Ugh. (In that case, it was a 3-1 probability that I owed someone an apology and/or needed a new identity: “¡Yo soy fugitivo!”)
But I guess I aged out of binge drinking. I only drink beer, and it’s kinda tough for a middle-aged liver to metabolize a whole vat of Miller Lite. I mean, I try my best: I’ll grab spicy-hot Buffalo wings and a nice, cold pitcher… but by the end of the fourth quarter, there’s still half my beer left.
Nowadays, I mostly drink myself sober.
No matter. Throughout the American heartland, there’s a different kind of bar popping up. Sometimes they don’t even call themselves bars, but botanical “tea” shops. Only their “tea” is derived from a root (Kava) or leaf (Kratom), typically for its sedating and/or inebriating effects.
But compared to alcohol, the inebriating effect is limited. (It’s more similar to a Red Bull.) And interestingly, the majority of the people I’ve encountered at these places are alcoholics who use these bars as a “safe” hangout: they can still scratch that itch and partake in the “bar lifestyle,” but do so in a safer environment.
I like visiting ‘em after working out in the gym. (Their “tea” makes my body feel better. I also think it helps the physical recovery.)
Almost all the patrons vape. Lots of tattoos, weird hairdos, gaudy makeup, and body piercings (you know the type). The median age is probably about 35. It’s not a teenybopper crowd or a frat-like gathering, but it still veers young. Certainly not many senior citizens.
Here in Florida, these “tea” shops are everywhere (along with vape shops, dispensaries, car washes, and adult arcades: without an iota of hyperbole, every frickin’ Florida shopping center now has at least one of ‘em). But when I travel elsewhere, they’re tough to find.
Probably means they’ll be coming to a neighborhood near you ASAP. (Hey, maybe you can get in on the ground level by being first in your town!)
At the nonalcoholic bar I like to visit, the owner’s sister is a hardcore Daily Wire fan. She even went to the theater to watch “Am I Racist?” on opening day. Her bar gives off a counterculture vibe; the décor looks as if it was left over from a Cheech and Chong movie. But most of the people there are right-of-center: artists, crypto traders, day laborers, and medical professionals.
They look like hippies, but vote with the squares. (One of the bartenders tea-tenders even has a Trump sticker (discreetly) placed on his e-bike.)
The level of disillusionment that young men have with the Democratic Party is one of the underreported stories of our time, but make no mistake: it’s absolutely going on, and the bleeding still hasn’t stopped. These folks might not be 100% pro-Trump (yet), but they HATE the Democrats!
After the COVID restrictions, vaccine mandates, gender confusion, runaway inflation, and pronoun nonsense, the left has lost a generation of young men. And they’re not coming back.
Anyway, back to these bars: when you visit one, ask a bunch of questions. The tea-tenders are happy to chat away — and because these places are almost always locally owned, mom-and-pop shops, the owner has wide discretion to cut deals. So if it’s your first time, just tell ‘em. See if they have any happy hour BOGOs or recommendations.
Pro Tip: the flavoring definitely helps. Not a fan of the “natural” flavor. (It’s pretty gross.)
And while you’re there, treat it like a normal bar: socialize by the bar top. Joke around with the staff. Make new friends. Enjoy a drink (or two) and see how it goes.
No, it’s not the same as a regular, traditional bar, but y’know what? It’s not bad, either!
Especially if you have your reasons for avoiding alcohol, but miss hanging out at bars.
