Thanks so much for clicking on this story… but if you’re married, you *probably* should erase your Internet History the moment you’re done. (You don’t want your spouse to see this title. Nothing good will come from it.)
Ah, extramarital affairs: From presidents to kings to peasants, there’ve been more affairs than you can shake a stick at. It’s something that transcends borders, cultures, language, and politics.
When you hand your heart to your dearly beloved, you’re granting him or her the power to break it. That’s the deal: You gain an ally, a partner, a lover, and a friend, but there’s a cost.
And the cost isn’t trivial.
Affairs are impossible to ignore. If you live long enough on planet Earth, it’ll either happen to you directly or to someone you care about. Extramarital affairs have broken families, shattered lives, triggered bloodshed, violence, and homicides — and, according to some experts, might’ve played a role in launching world wars.
Even in ancient times, a roving eye was associated with deadly conflict. Homer believed the Trojan War was sparked by the already-married Helen of Troy eloping with Paris. In the Holy Scriptures, King David’s extramarital affair with Bathsheba not only led to the untimely death of her husband, Uriah the Hittite, but David’s sins culminated in conflict, death, and the traitorous rebellion of his son, Absalom.
Affairs are terrifying, but the God’s honest truth is that nobody really knows how common they are. It’s sort of like tracking cybertheft or crime stats: We can tally the folks who were caught, but we have no idea about the ones who evaded detection.
Could be a lot, could be a little.
Besides, expecting people to truthfully answer survey questions like, “Are you cheating on your spouse right now?” is kind of silly. If they’re willing to lie to their spouses, they’re willing to lie to a surveyor. Dishonest people are gonna do dishonest things.
We already know these stats are kinda squirrelly from the Tinder polling. (Tinder is a popular app used for dating and sex.) A 2018 paper revealed that 42% of Americans admitted to using Tinder while being married or in a monogamous relationship. But when asked about their male “friends,” a whopping 73.1% said their “friends” were on Tinder while in a committed relationship, and 56.1% said the same about their female “friends.”
Interpret that how you will.
Before writing this article, I assumed that affairs would occur more frequently when couples are younger since there’s probably a link between youth (and immaturity), someone’s sex drive, and their desire to pursue extramarital nookie. Turns out, that’s not true at all: Men between the ages of 60 and 69 — and women between the ages 50 and 59 — have the highest rates of infidelity.
Among married couples aged 18 to 29, women are slightly more likely to cheat. After age 30, it’s more likely to be men. From this point on, the male rate of cheating surpasses women and doesn’t appreciably decline until men reach their 80s.
Not the same with women: Even though their infidelity rate peaks in their 60s (16%) and stays strong through their 70s (13%), it falls off a cliff in their 80s (6%). So, if you’re a guy who wants a loyal, faithful lady, singles night at the retirement community is a buyer’s market! (Yay?)
Anecdotally, Americans fall into three camps when it comes to affairs:
The first group thinks they’re awful and inexcusable, and anyone who’d do such a thing is a horrible human being. Period, end of story.
The second group believes the opposite: Monogamy is just a social construct that’s contrary to human nature, so it’s no big deal if someone has an affair every now and then. It’s what adults do. Grow up and stop making such a big deal about it.
The third group falls somewhere in the middle: Affairs are obviously bad, but humans aren’t perfect. Everyone makes mistakes; that’s why forgiveness is so important. Someone else’s bedroom isn’t yours to judge anyway; relationships are messy, confusing, and complex; live and let live.
Lots of people claim they’re in the first group. They’ll loudly declare that affairs are a dealbreaker, and they’d NEVER tolerate them. But when push comes to shove, and they’re facing the prospect of permanently breaking up their family, not everyone is as absolutist as they professed.
The institution of marriage is legal, religious, social, sexual, and pragmatic — all rolled in one. There are a lot of moving parts.
And it’s also a leap of faith.
I met my wife in 1999 when I was 24. Well, it’s now 2024, and 1999 was [doing math in my head]… a THOUSAND YEARS AGO! And both of us have changed quite a bit since then. Really, if we were the same people we were in 1999, it would mean we hadn’t grown in 25+ years.
Think of it like this: The average age of all the cells in the human body is seven to 10 years. Your cells have a lifecycle, and then they’re recycled. So, if we set sail on the Ship of Thesus, we’re literally different people than we were in 1999. We’re multiple different people!
So basically, 24-year-old me signed me up for a lifelong commitment with a stranger. (Fortunately, he did a pretty good job with that one.)
A good marriage is far better than being single… but a bad marriage is infinitely worse! It’s a gamble. As we all know, not all gambles pay off. A percentage of married couples will roll snake eyes, and you gotta know this going in.
It’s high risk, high reward.
But more often than not, if both of you truly believe you’re a team — that your spouse is your ride-or-die no matter what — I truly believe your marriage will prosper. That mentality seems to be the #1 reason why some marriages last, and others don’t.
So, in a sense, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. To quote the great poet Dickinson (Bruce, not Emily): “The truth of all predictions is always in your hands.”
It takes work. Lots and lots of work. Work that never ends.
Plus faith and trust. And humility and compassion.
Because, ultimately, the grass isn’t greener on the other side: The grass is greenest where you choose to water it.
Now go erase your Internet History.
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