Apparently, whoever designed the Death Star also designed Tampa Bay.
We’re a massive, sprawling community worth trillions of dollars… but cursed with an unfortunate design flaw. If you hit Tampa Bay within a narrow, specific spot — no larger than a womp rat, shall we say — the whole damn thing blows up.
We’re only marginally more structurally sound than Hezbollah’s beepers.
The backdrop is that we were shellacked by Hurricane Helene just a few weeks ago, and our entire community was teetering like a Kennedy at closing time. (Yours truly had five feet of flooding and lost THREE cars.) And then it looked like Hurricane Milton was headed our way to finish off the rest of us. Paranoia was at an all-time high.
I’ve lived here in Tampa Bay for 20 years. I know this community pretty well. We average two or three (sometimes more) hurricanes annually, so this wasn’t our first rodeo. We know the routine.
But there was a different vibe in the air this time.
Have you ever had a drinking buddy who was a self-declared tough guy? You know the type: They’re kind of hoping a fight breaks out because they’re certain they can knock out everyone. Usually, they’re belligerent and aggressive… but after your tough guy friend gets knocked on his ass for the first time? Sometimes, their entire aura changes. They suddenly realize they’re NOT invincible — that the other guy is throwing real punches, too. And then they’re a lot less cocky when someone bumps into ‘em again.
That was the vibe in Tampa. Helene’s flooding was God-awful — I can’t stress enough how brutal it was. Something like 500 out of 600 homes in my neighborhood were swallowed by the ocean. If your home was two or more levels, you could (probably) still live there, but the folks in one-level homes lost everything.
So nobody was cracking jokes about Milton. We were frickin’ terrified.
Small complaint: Can we PLEASE stop giving hurricanes such innocuous-sounding names?! I had an Uncle Milton. He was married to my Aunt Shirley: Uncle Milton was a skinny little guy and sick all the time. (Nice man, though.) Definitely wouldn’t associate Milton with a violent, deadly hurricane. Being visited by Milton actually sounds kind of pleasant. Ol’ Milton won’t hurt anyone!
Now, if they named it Hurricane Lucifer? Or Hurricane Damien? HOLY CRAP. If that doesn’t get your attention, nothing will.
(Given how badly it bombed, Hurricane Joker; Folie a Deux would scare the bejeezus out of you, too.)
We chose to evacuate. Holed up in Orlando for three days, along with hundreds of other Tampa refugees. Under Florida law, when you flee during a state emergency, hotels are required to accept your pets. Alas, not all pets were housebroken. (As you might imagine, there were some, er, less-than-delightful odors percolating throughout the lobby.)
Orlando was still in the direct path of the hurricane, but we were far enough removed from the ocean to avoid the sea surge. We still experienced Milton, but it was more in line with our previous (non-Helene) hurricanes: Rain, wind, lightning, tornadoes, and power loss, but nothing too terrible. For the most part, it really wasn’t too bad.
We made a mini-vacation out of it. Of course, Disney World and all the other Orlando parks were closed (we did hear through the rumor mill that some folks grabbed rooms at Disney World and rode out the storm in style at the House of Mouse). But there were plenty of restaurants in walking distance. One day, we ate Buffalo wings. Another day, we ate nachos. There was a 7-11 nearby: I learned that Coke Zero Slurpee’s + Jim Beam + spicy beef sticks pair very nicely. Lovely flavor combo.
Bottom line? The food was warm and the beer was cold. And we were together.
Kudos to Governor Ron DeSantis for giving a masterclass in crisis management. In the 20 years I’ve lived here, all the governors were great during hurricanes, but Milton’s threat was different (as was the psyche of Tampa Bay, which is also the home of the DeSantis family). From waiving all road tolls to allowing evacuees to ride the shoulder to ease the traffic, his actions saved lives. Literally.
I don’t think he slept during the chaos, because DeSantis was everywhere. Locally, when a knucklehead locked a garbage dump closed, preventing us from last-minute cleanup before Milton blew through Tampa Bay, DeSantis ordered the chain ripped off and the doors reopened. He rose to the occasion when we needed him the most.
And… my house survived! I already have power again. Hooray!!
But here’s the kicker: When you’re praying for your home to be saved, you’re really praying for someone else’s home to get hit instead… because like it or not, that hurricane is gonna make landfall somewhere. It’s like a real-life version of Sophie’s Choice. Although I’m relieved we still have a house, I’m very aware that lots of others do not.
Including people in the PJ Media family.
In the comments section of my article about awaiting Milton’s arrival, this comment was left:
As much as I love this site and respect ALL the writers and editors and contributors (Hell I'm a VIP GOLD member) As a survivor of WNC In Asheville with what just happened it pains me very much to read the comments and I'm SOOOO happy you had warning and a governor who gives a shit. But I'll be dammed if I let what happened to my community be a FOOTNOTE in history. WE WERE NOT AFFORDED AN ESCAPE plan. We are still here struggling...and before some snowflake come for me...My house was covered by a mudslide and ya know how I'm writing this??? In a parking lot at Tractor supply because that's THE ONLY WIFI I can get. It's October 9th.....still no power or water. Our water will be out FOR MONTHS!!!! Again I'm glad yall had the resources and a Governor who gave a shit about yall but we are still here...trying our damdest to survive. FEMA WONT HELP ME. They say I have an identity problem. They can't find me in the system..yet they take taxes out of my check every week....DO NOT LET US BE FORGOTTEN!!!!!
This person needs our help. What they’re going through isn’t fair and it isn’t right. The purpose of this column is to raise awareness of LionessOfYeshua’s plight — because it sure as hell doesn’t look like the government is gonna lift a finger. It might all come down to the PJ Media family.
I’m a PR expert, but I’m NOT an expert at this. So, I want to open the comment section to ideas: What can we do to help LionessOfYeshua? A GoFundMe? Something else?
Nobody deserves to be forgotten.
Let’s help.
