If You Could Switch Bodies with Anyone in the World, Who It Be?

(This column is brought to you by “Games the Pinsker Family Plays When Hurricanes Knock the Power Off and There’s Time to Kill.” Enjoy!)

Here’s the hypothetical: Imagine you could switch bodies with anyone alive today. (Don’t ask me how this would work; just roll with the premise.) No geographic, age or gender limitations. You can swap bodies with anyone in the world. The only rule is that they must currently be alive. (So, no, you can’t swap lives with Hugh Hefner. Or Caligula.)

Who you gonna pick?

Ultimately, it’s a question of priorities: What do you want to accomplish? If it’s something political, you might choose one path; if it’s artistic or creative, you’d probably choose another. 

That’s always been the innate contradiction of “Do unto others”: You are not your neighbor’s pedestal. What makes him/her happy could be radically different from what puts a smile on your face. One size does not fit all.

But there are universal commonalities.

I wouldn’t switch bodies with Donald Trump, Elon Musk or Tom Brady. They’re too old. It might be fun to quantum leap into The Donald for 2024 through 2028 (election results depending), but it probably wouldn’t be too much fun in 2034. Father Time is undefeated, and Trump’s lifestyle isn’t exactly conducive for longevity. (The fact that he’s still so vibrant and energetic is a tribute to genetics, not healthy living.) So at best, Trump’s body would be of short-term utility. I’d only take it as a loaner.

JD Vance, on the other hand? Hmm… At least I’d get a rockin’ beard. (Plus all the benefits of being half Trump’s age.)

Musk is younger, but he’s already in his mid-50s. He’s clearly having a blast with his money, power, and influence, but if you swap bodies with Musk, you probably only have about 30 years left. (Besides, Mark Zuckerberg is looking to kick your ass — and getting whooped by Zuck would be soooo embarrassing.)

Speaking of Zuck, he’d be a tempting target for quantum leaping: He’s younger (only 40) and insanely wealthy, too. But he’s also short. (Unless he’s standing on his wallet, he’s practically a Keebler Elf.) My two teenage boys are already taller than me, and they’ve started to hide my potato chips on the top shelf where I can’t see ‘em. (Grr.) No way am I gonna drop 4+ inches to be Zuck-sized.

Just as a goof, it’d be wild to switch bodies with AOC: Imagine coming out for a big speech before AOC’s base audience of liberal wackaloons, brain-dead Zoomers, overaged hippies, and unemployed Antifa goons… and in the middle of the speech, sliding on a bright red MAGA hat. Be kinda fun! But I don’t think I’d want to leap into a woman’s body — especially a petite woman’s body. No offense, but I wanna be able to open my own pickle jars. 

So I think I’ll ride this “Patriarchy” out juuust a little longer, thank you very much.

When you stop and think about it, there aren’t a ton of great options. Most of our larger-than-life luminaries have already achieved their accomplishments and are now on the back-nine of their lives. Guys like Joe Montana, Troy Aikman, Mike Tyson, Evander Holyfield, Stephen Spielberg, Leonardo DiCaprio, Rupert Murdoch, George Lucas, Tiger Woods, Clint Eastwood, Michael Jordan, etc. all have amazing resumés, but the best stuff is already in the rearview mirror. 

I mean, being “Like Mike” in the late 1980s or early 1990s meant you were the most dominant basketball player of all time (and one helluva pitchman). But today in 2024? Do you really wanna be a 61-year-old ex-athlete?

Didn’t think so.

Therefore, the person I’d pick is Baron Trump. He’s young, good-looking, wealthy — and since he’s taller than my kids, I’d get my frickin’ potato chips back. (That’s important to me.) The world is 100% his oyster. If Baron wants, he could lead an empty, vacuous life bedding supermodels on mega-yachts, taking a page from the DiCaprio playbook. (Which… let’s be honest, wouldn’t be totally awful.) Or — with his surname, status, and platform — be a powerful, generational force for social change for the next 60 to 70 years. It’s entirely his for the taking.

Or, if you quantum leaped into his body, it could be yours.

So who you gonna pick?