Just a decade earlier, the trip itself would’ve been the stuff of science fiction, but nowadays, the line between scientific reality and scientific fantasy has never been murkier. One man’s fiction is another man’s Tesla. Plus, as a kid who worshipped at the altar of David Hasselhoff and that super-cool, self-driving Trans Am of his, it was impossible to resist: How good has Tesla’s self-driving technology REALLY gotten, and has it reached the point where it can safely and reliably take a family of four on a long road trip?
The short answer: Yes… mostly. For 99+ percent of the trip, the car took excellent care of us.
But that final 1 percent was a real doozy.
My 17-year-old graduated from Army Cavalry basic training on Friday, so we rented a Tesla Model 3 Long Range with full self-driving and acceleration upgrade. I had been in a Tesla a few times, but never driven one. And the car is impressive; it’s basically a robot that you sit inside of; it doesn’t feel like a traditional car.
Have you ever visited your old college town after 20 years? Or returned to a city you used to know well, but decades had elapsed? So, you still kind of know where everything is — or where it used to be — but all the changes are disorienting. Your old dive bar isn’t there anymore; it’s now a big chain restaurant. The landscape is all different. It’s a weird combination of things you’ve never seen before, intermingled with buildings and streets you know like the back of your hand.
That sums up the Tesla: It’s an oddball combo of the radical new and the traditional old. If you can drive a gas-powered car, you can certainly rent one and use one, but there’s a bit of a learning curve — and your mileage may vary.
There are almost no buttons or switches. Its heartbeat is its big iPad-looking screen that you must take your eyes off the road to check. But almost everything, from the seats to the tightness of the wheel to the brakes, is customizable. This is probably the kind of car that the longer you have, the more features you’d enjoy. (My 15-year-old greatly enjoyed queuing the turn signal to make farting noises when activated.)
It makes other cars feel dumb. The Tesla maps out your trip for you, letting you know where to charge along the way, how long you must charge, and how much juice you’ll have when you reach your next stop. And I gotta say, the voice Elon Musk chose for these cars is super-sexy. Very pleasant to listen to.
It’s a fun ride. A little bouncy and noisy, but its stop-and-go prowess is unmatched by any non-Italian gas-powered car. It’s faster than a hiccup. Zero to 60 in just 3.9 seconds. But the full self-driving is what we cared the most about. After all, if it lived up to its promise, it would be a total game-changer. With a rapidly aging population (Boomers, I’m lookin’ at you), older Americans would still be able to live on their own, travel by car to restaurants and doctor appointments, and enjoy a much higher quality of life.
And then there’s the economic consideration. For years now, Musk has promised that full self-driving wasn’t just right around the corner, but would totally revolutionize the economics of car ownership. If your car can reliably drive itself, it could make money without you. Imagine: while you’re sleeping, your Tesla could be working for DoorDash or Uber. How cool would that be?! Theoretically, it’s entirely possible: Tesla sends software updates to your car, so its Artificial Intelligence improves year-to-year. So, in theory, this could happen at any moment.
Theory is fine, but what about reality?
Here’s where we ran — quite literally — into trouble.
For the overwhelming majority of our trip, the Tesla drove perfectly. Good weather, bad weather — didn’t matter. The car hugged the road, made smart, safe decisions, and the 850-mile roundtrip journey was a piece of cake. In fact, I’d even go further, and say that for 99+ percent of the time, the car drives safer than a human. (According to Musk, with aerial footage, you can tell who’s using the full self-driving feature, because the cars stay centered in lanes more than human-driven cars.)
Our biggest complaint was that the full self-driving was nerfed by regulators. There’ve been issues with Tesla owners napping while being driven, so the car requires you to shake the wheel every minute or so. Very annoying! And potentially unsafe, because shaking your wheel when you’re surrounded by large trucks on the highway while navigating a curve isn’t ideal. (If you fail to shake your wheel in time, the car “punishes” you by disabling the full self-driving until you stop and start it again. Which… I get the logic behind, but I don’t wanna pay money for a car that puts me in timeout! That’s ridiculous.)
However, a tiny percentage of the time, its full self-driving makes horrendous decisions. If you’re not paying close attention — and ready to immediately grab the wheel — you could be killed.
Our first incident was a highway exit that was being repainted: The car tried to steer us into the guardrail. Fortunately, we intervened in time.
It was scary, but understandable. There are so many strange, unusual things that can happen when you drive — construction, animals in the road, disabled vehicles, toppled trees — that you can almost forgive the car for getting confused on a repainted exit. (But then again, if there were no humans in the car, it definitely would’ve crashed, which would’ve put a pretty big dent in your Tesla’s DoorDash profits.)
More problematic was when the car made decisions that surprised not only us, but the other cars on the road. There were three incidents when the car stopped short, having detected some kind of hold-up, and the cars behind us came within a whisker of smashing into our rear. On the one hand, you can’t really fault a car for exercising caution; I’d rather the Tesla was too cautious than too aggressive. But on the other hand, most other cars are steered by human drivers, and when a car consistently makes decisions that blindside the other drivers, it will eventually lead to a collision. It’s just a matter of time.
So, that’s the verdict: Full Self Driving is impressive, fun, and very enjoyable, but it’s nowhere near ready for autonomous, human-free driving. If you’re an older American and can be trusted to keep a keen eye on the wheel AND the road, then a Tesla could help you live independently and enjoy a very nice quality of life. Just prepare yourself for a bit of a learning curve, because it’s a different kind of vehicle.
By the way, the Army ceremony was amazing. My mom, dad and brother — both of whom are retired military — came to cheer for my boy, Danny. Very emotional, of course. But the funniest moment: my dad gave his military ID to the guy at the visitors center, and the guy immediately complements him: “Great to have you here, Colonel!” My mom responds, “Pssh. You mean LIEUTENANT Colonel.”
(Nobody can bust your balls like family.)
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