The Original Olympics Were Nude. Ever Since Then, It’s Been All Downhill.

The original Olympic Games were nude. Ever since then, it’s been all downhill. (Although the beach volleyball team deserves a thumbs-up for at least trying to get in the spirit of things.) 

In theory, this is the pinnacle of athletic competition — a brutal battlefield of gladiators, titans, speedsters, and strongmen. Following in the footsteps of the immortal demigods of yesteryear, today’s greatest athletes will transform themselves into the legends of tomorrow, proudly representing their countrymen, pushing their bodies beyond the point of mortal endurance — and, if they win, they’ll be showered with glorious gold! Ladies and gentlemen, this is the ultimate exhibition of the world’s most talented men and women. Despite the countless hardships and hatreds that have defined geopolitics for centuries, these games mark the moment when all the nations come together to laugh, cheer, dream… and cry for joy. The thrill of victory — the agony of defeat — the Olympic Games are a spellbinding spectacle of athletic excellence! 

At least in theory. 

But in practice, it’s devolved into a bizarre combination of jingoism, cronyism, commercialism, and corruption. The real competition isn’t between the athletes; it’s the battle between the Olympics’ oligarchs to see whose wallet grows the fattest. Whereas the contestants are striving for a small slice of bronze, silver, or gold, the oligarchs are playing Hungry Hungry Hippo with platinum, diamonds, and billion-dollar banknotes.

By coincidence or design, the Olympic Games coincide with U.S. election years, which denotes it with a forebodingly political glow. Whether it was President Carter finally standing up to the Soviets by stopping our curling team from traveling to Moscow (such courage), or the ’84 Olympics, when McDonald’s misjudged the extent of the Red boycott and everyone here won a zillion free burgers (it’s morning again in Reagan’s America!), it’s never “just” been about sports.

And, being global in nature, the political element transcends our domestic party-jousting. Even the iconic Olympic Flame — with the torchbearer traveling from town to town, urged on by the locals — was scripted political theater by the Germans of the 1930s. (If you’re not well-versed in history, spoiler alert: Germans of that era weren’t very nice people.) Hitler had earlier derided the Olympic Games as an “invention of the freemasons and Jews,” but hey — a good idea is still a good idea, and the theatrics of the torch, fire, and flame were largely created by Hitler, Joseph Goebbels, and Nazi filmmaker Leni Riefenstahl.

Seems a little strange to have excised from pop culture the art, movies, music, monuments, and memorials of people who once wore blackface, or made stupid tweets, but continue to celebrate Hitler’s masterpiece of Aryan propaganda. I mean, Kevin Spacey (allegedly) did some bad things trying to get a date, but I’m pretty sure the Holocaust was worse. 

In 2019, Kate Smith’s rendition of “God Bless America” was banned from New York Yankees and Philadelphia Flyers games because someone discovered that, in the 1930s, she recorded two songs with racist lyrics. (Clearly, she was history’s greatest monster.) During that tumultuous time of civil reckoning — urged on by the mainstream media — numerous Civil War monuments were toppled; military bases renamed; portraits removed from colleges; “Cops” and “Dukes of Hazzard” stricken from the airwaves. Yet the Olympic Flame endures. 

For whatever reason, it’s immune to Cancel Culture. 

And not just immune; it’s still grotesquely profitable. Because of the closed-door deals and suspicions of bribery, the exact amount of money the Olympics generate is impossible to quantify, but outside estimates place it somewhere between $7 billion and $12 billion. That’s an awful lot of money changing hands — often with minimal oversight. 

The original Olympics of 776 BC were all-nude, and they were very, very good. (Joe Biden remembers them well.) But in today’s Olympics, the only thing naked is the greed. 

What was once a must-see competition between modern-day gladiators has devolved into a choreographed pageant of corporate kingpins. It’s not about who runs the fastest, but which bureaucrat can steal the most loot. That’s the REAL competition.

But it’s not all bad. We still have beach volleyball.