Roger L. Simon

Investigate Me, Nancy!

An Open Letter to Nancy Pelosi — Speaker of the House of Representatives.

Dear Madam Speaker:

I understand you are calling for an investigation of those who oppose the construction of the mosque at Ground Zero to uncover the financial sources behind their opposition.

I am one of those people. I have attacked the construction of the mosque, sometimes quite vehemently, on several occasions, on PJM and PJTV. I hereby humbly beseech you to investigate me.

Me first, Nancy! Me me me me. Investigate me!

Maybe you’ll find some money I was paid for my opposition — I haven’t found any myself — and I could use it. I’m trying to do some home remodeling and you know how pricey that gets these days.

Frankly, I’m feeling like a schmuck. I hurled all that invective and didn’t make dime one. And, unlike you, I’m not married to a multi-millionaire financier. So have a little compassion and investigate me. At least it might generate some publicity. As a writer, I could use the PR. I might parlay it into a script deal on the Nancy Pelosi Story. (I see an aging Renee Zellweger with hair extensions.)

Okay, that’s a long shot. But I don’t want you to feel bad. People might think you’re three sheets short of a yard because you overlooked the fact your buddy Harry Reid also opposes the mosque. And you wouldn’t want to investigate him, unless you’re Sharron Angle, which, trust me, we know you’re not.

And don’t let the fact that you won’t be speaker anymore get you down. Almost everybody else is happy about that. Learn to rejoice in their happiness. And be glad you won’t be embarrassing your constituents so much anymore. Many of them, even if they are knee-jerk liberals of the most conventional sort in one of the most conventionally liberal districts in the solar system, are probably secretly wondering why they ever elected you in the first place. After all, the state of California is an economic catastrophe and even liberals have 401ks.

So investigate away, I say. And if you pick me, don’t be deterred by the fact that I’m an agnostic who, unlike you, is appalled by Sharia law and its psycho-sexually sadistic treatment of women. You were quite content wearing a head scarf in Saudi Arabia. After all, you’ve already made it through the glass ceiling. Screw the rest of them.

And don’t be bothered either by Sharia law and its treatment of homosexuals. Tolerance of other traditions is the rule. Never mind if they hang gays in Iran. They’re are all fine in San Francisco and, as Ahmadinejad told us, homosexuals don’t exist in Iran anyway.

And don’t, above all, be concerned with what that Austro-British philosopher Karl Popper said. You’ve probably never heard of him anyway, so it shouldn’t alarm you. But here it is in any case:

“Unlimited tolerance must lead to the disappearance of tolerance. If we extend unlimited tolerance even to those who are intolerant, if we are not prepared to defend a tolerant society … then the tolerant will be destroyed, and tolerance with them. … We should therefore claim, in the name of tolerance, the right not to tolerate the intolerant.”

Got that? No, I suppose not.

Investigate away, Nancy. I’m yours.


Roger L. Simon