On Tuesday night and Wednesday night, 20 candidates running for the 2020
Socialist — sorry — Democratic presidential nomination will take the stage in Detroit, Mich. If you are unfortunate enough to actually watch the debate, you might as well drown your sorrows with a good beer or bottle of Scotch.
So grab the popcorn — and the alcohol — and watch out for these cues.
When anyone says anything painfully woke, take a shot. “Latinx!” “Transwomen get abortions!”
Drink to every “Green New Deal” reference.
Random Spanish gets a shot of tequila.
Every anger-inducing border phrase — “Concentration camps!” “Kids in cages!” “Drinking out of toilets!” — deserves its own tequila shot.
Any reference to Climatepocalypse — DRINK.
Every time someone promises something they can’t pay for, take a glass of water. This includes the Green New Deal, Medicare for All, and free college. That’s how unsatisfying liberal promises really are.
Any attacks on Joe Biden, take a swig.
Attacks on Donald Trump are worth two swigs.
Every time Marianne Williamson speaks, LOVE demands you drink.
Every time Tim Ryan, Steve Bullock, Tulsi Gabbard, or Andrew Yang gets cut off, drink in solidarity.
If a candidate mentions his or her race, take a shot.
At every embarrassing mistake, take a drink of water for the once and future liberal tears — in 2016 and those yet to come.
Note: PJ Media exempts itself from any liability for any drunkenness that will certainly occur if you follow these instructions.
If you can’t remember who’s speaking when, read the debate match-ups here.
R.I.P. Eric Swalwell, creator of the DUMBEST CAMPAIGN TWEET OF ALL TIME. You will be sorely missed. Take your one voter (yourself) and go support whichever candidate wins at the end of the primary. Your endorsement will be monumental, and I’m sure you can become ambassador to Cuba or something.
P.S. I changed my daughter’s diaper, so Eric Swalwell thinks I should be president…
Follow Tyler O’Neil, the author of this article, on Twitter at @Tyler2ONeil.