News & Politics

Has Michelle Obama Ever Met A Human Woman?

There are times when political figures or political adjacent figures make statements and you wonder where they got the idea.  And there are times when you listen to a political figure, and you wonder if they’ve been smoking the good stuff and not sharing.  For some reason, this often happens with Nancy Pelosi.

But there’s other times when a political figure – well, she was America’s lunch lady and some Democrats hold her up as (pardon and sorry) the great white hope of the Dems in 2020 – says something so utterly bizarre that you have to physically prevent yourself from going to YouTube to start looking at all the videos that claim that everyone in public life is a disguised lizard being.  Michelle Obama just unlocked that achievement.

I was alerted to this by National Review and then followed it to its source.

I thought “surely, even though National Review is a trustworthy source for these things, she can’t have said that stuff.  Surely not.”

“Quite frankly, we saw this in this election. As far as I’m concerned, any woman who voted against Hillary Clinton voted against their own voice,” Obama said.

Okay, I thought, lady, if you’d ever heard my voice you’d vote against it too. I can clear entire rooms by singing. I do not HOWEVER sound like Hillary Clinton.

So Michelle Obama elaborated on this:

“What does it mean for us, as women, that we look at those two candidates… and many of us said, ‘That guy? He’s better for me. His voice is more true to me.’ Well, to me that just says, you don’t like your voice. You like the thing you’re told to like,” she added, referring to President Donald Trump.

This is when I started suspecting she was from Alpha Centauri.

Seriously.  What kind of process does this creature follow in deciding for whom to vote? Is it some weird kind of singing competition?  If not, why is she deciding whose voice is “more true to her.”

What precisely does that even mean?  Is she looking for someone who sounds like her? Or metaphorically who thinks like her?  Who votes like that? If I thought I was the best president for the country, I would run (only not, because I was born abroad, but you know what I mean.)  Is she trying to mirror herself in a potential president?  Okay, that’s possible, sure.  Stupid, mind you, but possible.

But then there’s the “Well, to me that just says, you don’t like your voice. You like the thing you’re told to like.

Why could a woman not think like Donald Trump, or at least not agree with Donald Trump on a number of things?  I know many women who do.

And who in h*ll told women to like Trump?  From every media outlet, every entertainment venue, every possible megaphone of the industrial-communications complex we heard, “If you are a woman you must vote for Hillary, because vagina.”

At this point, I started suspecting that Michelle Obama had never, in fact, met a human woman.  If she had, she would know we come in all varieties and sizes, and – because we have brains that reside outside our vaginas – we can think for ourselves, and come to conclusions quite different from the conclusions come to by another woman or even by a vaguely woman-shaped being such as Hillary Clinton.

The only way any creature could assume that women had voted for Trump was because they “hated their own voices” (by which one is to understand they hated themselves) is if she has never, in fact, met a human woman and thinks we are some sort of hive mind.

Also, from the fact that she thinks women were told to like Trump, I have to assume this Michelle-Obama-like-creature was nowhere near the Earth in the lead-up to the election.

To make things more interesting this was the occasion of those deranged remarks:

The comment came as Obama discussed her process for writing the book she’s working on during a question and answer session at Inbound, a marketing and sales conference. Obama was a keynote speaker at the event.

As Obama told the crowd that as she was working on her book, she reflected on why she was successful. She said success came because she stayed true to her “authentic self,” but feels that not everyone does the same, and used the recent election as an example.

Two remarks come to mind apropos this. First: book deal? Why is she getting bribed through the channel of book publishers? Do they really believe she has a chance in 2020?

And second, if she stayed true to her authentic self, her authentic self thinks that women are hive minds contained in their vaginas (the only thing I have in common with Hillary Clinton) and also that women were told to vote for Trump.

In other words, Michelle Obama’s “true self” came out of a pod and has had no contact with Earth before this year. She probably carries a book called “To Serve Man.”

And it’s a cookbook.