Yeah, the following is satire. But the Fox is real and was captured on Capitol Hill on Tuesday. The rest of the story is entirely fictional and could never happen in real life in a million years.
We think.
A Democratic member of Congress has accused a wild red fox of assaulting him on the Capitol grounds and suggests that the fox may be a Republican and part of a cabal of foxes that are trying to take over the Capitol.
“I felt something lunge, totally unprovoked, right at the back of my leg again,” Rep. Ami Bera (D-Calif) told CNN. “It felt like a small dog. I thought it was someone’s dog and I quickly jumped. I’m glad I had my long umbrella with me because then it was just holding it off.”
The heroic congressman just saved the republic. If that fox had been allowed to continue its depredations, lord knows what might have happened. Perhaps the fox may have tried to grab House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s podium — the ultimate insult to our precious democracy.
An anonymous source close to Bera and totally believable said that Bera was convinced the fox was a Republican because of its “beady eyes” and “the way it looked at me like he wanted to, you know, like, hurt me or something.”
“I thought the fox may have been QAnon,” the source quoted Bera saying.
Bera, who is of Indian descent, did not say whether he would demand that hate crime charges be added to the fox’s list of crimes.
The fox was captured after some heroic work by the Capitol police who had received reports of a fox attacking members of Congress and aides on the Capitol grounds.
Here is the suspect at the moment it was taken into custody.
#BREAKING: Captured. pic.twitter.com/LJAn2ZjH9J
— U.S. Capitol Police (@CapitolPolice) April 5, 2022
Do not be fooled by the culprit’s cuteness. It has obviously been trained by Republican conspirators to attack Democrats and only Democrats.
Here’s a photo of the culprit roaming the Capitol grounds freely. Don’t you think it’s suspicious that with 2,500 Capitol Police officers, hundreds more Washington, D.C., Metropolitan Police, thousands of members of the armed forces, Secret Service, FBI, DEA, ATF, and CIA guarding and protecting the Capitol that they couldn’t catch one measly Republican fox?
Capitol fox currently in lower senate park pic.twitter.com/YS9LYDtCQ3
— Bill Clark (@billclarkphotos) April 5, 2022
Several Democrats in Congress are demanding an investigation, believing that somewhere there’s evidence of some kind of plot. And come hell or high water they’re going to uncover it.
At first, fingers were being pointed at Fox News — for obvious reasons. But Democrats felt the connection was just too obvious, even for a Republican, and dismissed the idea of any involvement by the GOP news network.
A source close to Speaker Pelosi translated some gibberish she told reporters about the proposed special committee to investigate the plot.
“We want this committee to be totally bipartisan. Failing that, we’re sure we can find a couple of Republicans dumb enough to join it,” she said.
Capitol Police are saying there are more Republican foxes on the loose.
In the email, USCP wrote it received reports on Monday “of individuals being attacked or bitten by a fox,” including one encounter at the Botanic Garden and another by the foundation of the Capitol on the House side. The email indicated USCP received another report on Tuesday of “a fox approaching staff” near First and C Street NE.
“There are possibly several fox dens on Capitol Grounds. Animal Control is currently on the grounds seeking to trap and relocate any foxes they find,” the USCP email read. “Foxes are wild animals that are very protective of their dens and territory. Please do not approach any fox you see.”
We can be sure that Democrats will get to the bottom of this conspiracy — no matter how long it takes, no matter how much money they spend, no matter how many reputations are damaged, or fox families destroyed.
The future of the United States of America is at stake. At least, that’s what we’re being told.
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