According to the White House, Vice President Kamala Harris was “acting president” for 85 minutes while Joe Biden underwent a “routine” colonoscopy.
The description of a colonoscopy being “routine” was obviously written by someone who never had one. For 48 hours you can’t eat anything but jello. And they force you to drink a really nasty concoction that’s supposed to clear out the plumbing before they scope you. You’re weak, you’re barely coherent, you can’t think, and you fill the hours waiting for the procedure with thoughts of murdering your doctor and imagining your first meal afterward.
In truth, they probably should have made Kamala president for at least a day. Good thing they didn’t. We can only imagine how close we actually got to Armageddon with Kamala in power for 85 minutes.
I know we’re not to make sexist jokes so I’ll just keep the best ones to myself about the idea of a woman president. Hollywood has actually been a lot more sexist than my imagination. I wonder if the vice president ever saw Kisses For My President with Polly Bergen and Fred McMurray?
We’ll never know if Doug Emhoff, Harris’s real-life husband, was there to kiss her during the 85 minutes she was president. That would have been sort of cool.
But, we are duty-bound to acknowledge that this most history-making of presidents, Joe Biden—the first woman this, the first POC that—was kind enough to have his bowels scoped so that his vice president could serve as the first female acting president.
At a Friday press briefing, White House press secretary Jen Psaki told reporters that in selecting a vice president, Biden was “selecting someone who could serve by your side as your partner, but also step in if there was a reason to.”
“We also know we make history every time they’re working together, every time she’s out there speaking on behalf of the government as the vice president of the United States,” Psaki added. “But certainly, today was another chapter in that history, I think, that will be noted for many women [and] young girls across the country.”
The Post takes pains to point out that Harris is only the third vice president in history to serve as “acting president.” That’s because there was no such thing as an “acting president” prior to the ratification of the 25th Amendment in 1967. The nightmare scenario actually came true in 1919 when Woodrow Wilson suffered a massive stroke. Rather than giving control to his vice president Thomas Marshall, Wilson’s wife and his doctor made most of the important decisions until 1921.
What if the unthinkable had happened and Russia or China took advantage of the perceived power vacuum to launch a first strike? Of course, this wouldn’t have been likely. But Harris is someone — woman or not — who gets flustered when the media asks uncomfortable questions. How much more uncomfortable would a nuclear strike on America be?
Think back over Harris’s entire career. Can you find a single utterance of hers that has so much as approached being compelling or worthwhile? I doubt it. Harris is not interesting, she’s not substantive, she’s not provocative, or innovative, or wry. She’s not funny. She’s not amiable. She’s not accomplished or persuasive or adroit. She’s a heedless, cowardly, cackling cipher — an insipid, itinerant woolgatherer, whose first instinct in any situation is to resort to farcical platitudes or to suggest wanly that we should all have a “conversation about that.”
And she was President of the United States for 85 minutes.