[Obligatory disclaimer: This is satire, not “fake news.”]
Good evening and welcome everyone to another exciting episode of “Who Killed Jefferey Epstein?” Tonight’s special Prime Time Conspiracy Theory Edition of the hit series is brought to you by Victoria’s Secret and our broadcast is made possible by a generous grant from the Clinton Foundation.
Tonight we will sum up the various conspiracy theories that have fascinated millions of Americans. How could a scumbag in a prison full of guards take his own life? Well, the answer is, of course, he didn’t. Jeffrey Epstein, the billionaire investor with the sexual appetites of a satyr, was murdered.
Whodunnit? The list is long, which is why this series will run for five years. Dozens and dozens of rich and powerful men took advantage of Epstein’s gracious invitation to visit various hideaways, including “pedophilia island,” where kids would put out for cash (that’s another game show on another network). But tonight’s special contestant, Donald Trump, has some thoughts on the question of the hour. The nation’s chief executive retweeted one of the most popular theories trending on Twitter:
Died of SUICIDE on 24/7 SUICIDE WATCH ? Yeah right! How does that happen#JefferyEpstein had information on Bill Clinton & now he’s dead
I see #TrumpBodyCount trending but we know who did this!
— Terrence K. Williams (@w_terrence) August 10, 2019
Talk about someone with the sexual appetite of a satyr, Bill Clinton might be the most popular choice in the “Who Killed Jeffrey Epstein” sweepstakes. Why? He’s gotten rid of threats to his career before.
Or so some people tell me. One Trump official referred to Epstein as being “Hillary’d.”
So let’s spin the wheel and see whose name comes up? Will it be a rich investor? A Hollywood star? A prominent (or not so prominent) politician? An almost king?
Round and round it goes, where it stops no one knows.
It’s not surprising that Epstein’s death would be such rich fodder for conspiracy theories; he had documented connections with the wealthy and powerful on both sides of the political aisle. Court filings by his accusers allege a plot in which Epstein and his associates recruited underage girls and forced them to have sex with Epstein’s associates. Reports of the alleged crime ring fed into other, more speculative theories, including those with a strong partisan bias that only implicate Epstein associates from one side of the political spectrum.
Of course, we here on the “Who Killed Jeffrey Epstein?” show would never, ever, ever, engage in partisan speculation. We’re far more gossipy. How about Britain’s royal family?
Prince Andrew was named in court documents unsealed Friday from an alleged Epstein victim who claimed he trafficked her to wealthy men including Prince Andrew, lawyer Alan Dershowitz, former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, Wall Street billionaire Glenn Dubin, and foreign heads of state. (The men deny these allegations.)
Maybe for the first time in TV history, a former participant on the show is prominently mentioned as a potential grand prize winner.
The conspiratorial posts were not limited to the right. Epstein is also a former Trump associate, and was filmed discussing women with Trump at a party. The woman who accused Epstein of trafficking her at age 16 said she had been working at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort when Epstein recruited her.
Claire McCaskill, a former Democratic senator from Missouri appeared to imply foul play with a Saturday morning tweet.
“Something stinks to high heaven,” McCaskill wrote. “How does someone on suicide watch hang himself with no intervention? Impossible. Unless…..”
(Followers replied that Trump was involved in the death.)
So, sit back, relax, and strap it down. For the next half hour, we’ll thrill you, titillate your mind, tease your brain. We’ll make you laugh, cry, and gasp for air.
What we won’t do is give you any answers because no one wants to know them. The truth, as is the case in many things these days, is elusive.