Apocalypse Now: The Decline of Reading and Math Skills in American 13-Year-Olds

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it appears that you’ve all entered a surprise episode of “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?” And guess what? You’re not! America has finally hit a record-low with its 13-year-olds’ reading and math performances. Despite the Democrats being in power for over two years, and all their passionate speeches about education, it appears that your American kids are doing great… at becoming less literate and numerate. Hold your applause, folks.

So, here’s the cold, hard truth. The dismal performance in math hasn’t been this appalling since 1990, and reading hasn’t seen such deplorable depths since 2004. Now, remember the good ol’ lockdown amid the corona pandemic? Yeah, that period when you played a global game of hide and seek with a virus, and turned your homes into ‘fun’ schools? Well, that little stint has had repercussions.

I know it’s a shocker, but bear with me. Keeping kids out of school, surprise surprise, seems to have reduced their educational prowess. You could have knocked me over with a feather. The New York Times, ever the bearer of joyful tidings, explains, “The 13-year-olds scored an average of 256 out of 500 in reading, and 271 out of 500 in math, down from average scores of 260 in reading and 280 in math three years ago.” Basically, we’re looking at a numerical representation of intellectual doom.

And oh, here comes the delicious cherry on top. The very communities the Democrats claim to champion — African Americans and Native Americans — are the ones bearing the brunt of this educational apocalypse. The irony is precious, isn’t it?

Peggy Carr, commissioner of the National Center for Education Statistics, which conducts the NAEP exam, comments that it’s a “huge-scale challenge that faces the nation.” You don’t say, Peggy.

Related: West Coast, Messed Coast™ — ‘For the Children’ Edition

But wait! There’s more! A whopping 31% of these 13-year-olds now admit they barely read “for fun”. That’s right folks, they’d rather eat their vegetables than voluntarily crack open a book. Reading has now become an item on their chore list, much like taking out the trash. If school doesn’t command them, they shun the mere sight of a book, be it paper or digital.

So here you are, America. Your prized, future-forward nation is fostering a generation that seems to be losing its appetite for knowledge. The pride of your nation, the bright future you all envision, seems to be struggling to perform basic math or read a full-length book.

Bravo, America, bravo. What a wonderful legacy you are leaving behind. In the land of the free, you seem to have freely given away your kids’ potential. But hey, who needs reading and math skills anyway? So, three cheers for the decline of your educational system! Hip, hip… oh, forget it.