That’s it! I’ve had it. I thought the photos of empty shelves of toilet paper on social media were a hoax, and then I went grocery shopping. Everything seemed normal enough until I got to the toilet paper aisle.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Who is doing this? You know who you are, and you’re the absolute worst people on earth. How could you take away your neighbor’s toilet paper and leave them with this sandpaper alternative, Scott tissue? What, in the name of God’s green earth, is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head as a baby? Did you eat paint chips? Were you locked away from humanity in a closet where you developed darkness in place of a soul? What did anyone ever do to you that would make you subject them to one-ply toilet paper that chafes?
As I stood there sighing in disbelief, a woman stopped and said, “I know. Isn’t it ridiculous?” Yes, ma’am, it is. Grown-ass adults should know better than to hoard things they don’t need. The coronavirus is not a diarrhea disease. There’s no reason why anyone needs enough toilet paper to fill up the basement, and yet every store in town is out. I didn’t get the memo that this was a thing, so now that I need to buy one package of toilet paper for my family’s regular use, I can’t—because YOU PEOPLE ARE EVIL AND STUPID.
Toilet paper will not save you from the coronavirus. Neither will the hand sanitizer you appear to be drinking or the Clorox wipes, which are also all gone. You are going to die. Maybe not this month, and maybe not from a virus, but you are going to die. You should come to grips with that right now. This kind of panic and disregard for your fellow man is based on one thing: the fear of dying. Get a grip, go to church, wash your hands, and STOP HOARDING TOILET PAPER.
This thing called civil society does not work when the only one you are looking out for is you. There are other people around you and some of them need extra help. While you’re stocking your basement with toilet paper that will last you a year, your retiree neighbor with Crohn’s disease is going without. You should be ashamed of yourself. And if you did this, the only way to make it right is to go load your car with all that toilet paper you don’t need and start driving around your neighborhood and knocking on doors to see who needs it. And for your penance, give it away. Then never do this again.
The only thing you people proved with this asinine run on toilet paper is that most of our citizenry is not only stupid but immoral. Stop it. Now go do some toilet paper ministry.
And for those of you out there who cannot get toilet paper because the greedy and stupid people bought it all, find an old soft towel and cut it into squares. Get a plastic bin to put next to the toilet to throw the dirty towels in it. Wash and bleach on “hot” and you’ll get through this idiocy-induced toilet paper shortage like a pioneer.
Megan Fox is the author of “Believe Evidence; The Death of Due Process from Salome to #MeToo,” and host of The Fringe podcast. Follow on Twitter @MeganFoxWriter