So Jordan Peterson got booted off Twitter for noting that Ellen Page is actually a woman, despite her best efforts to the contrary. And Dave Rubin got a suspension for reporting that Peterson got booted. I like Dave, and Peterson could run rings around me intellectually, but why do either of them give a fat rat’s derriere about what Twitter thinks about anything? Twitter is a wildlife refuge for people hoping to achieve or maintain some pathetic level of celebrity and is apparently staffed by people who were too lame to survive a single shift at Domino’s Pizza. What Elon Musk sees in that outhouse is beyond me. To be honest, I have no idea what is going on with Musk and Twitter. Following that saga is a bit like trying to shove a wet noodle up a wildcat’s backside and, frankly, I don’t have that kind of time.
In the interest of full disclosure, I have had two Twitter accounts. I started the first one when I had my radio show. Everyone said I should be on Facebook and not Twitter, since Facebook would be everything and Twitter would amount to nothing. The second was when I briefly held a job in TV. Everyone had to have an account to promote whatever was important on the station at that moment. Since I started writing for PJ, I started a Gettr account but eschewed Twitter. But I bet that if I did start a new Twitter account, I imagine the exchange would go something like this:
Me: Hi, my name is Lincoln Brown and this is my first Twitter post!
Twitter: We know who you are, you cisgender, misogynistic, Christo-fascist Islamohomophobic column-writer, you! You just watch your step, mister, ‘cause we are watching you!
Me: Umm, okay. Say, does anyone collect anything? Like stamps or something? I have a toy soldier collection. Some are really old and they come from all over the world and…
Twitter: Slow your roll there, man-spreader! That’s a colonizer statement! You are very close to your first suspension!
Me: Wow. That was only my second tweet. Okay, so who likes hiking? My wife and I went hiking yesterday. We went pretty far up and saw a mountain lion, which is kinda rare…*
Twitter: Strike two! Corporate shills like you are destroying our lands for dirty, filthy oil! You took up valuable space that could have been enjoyed by a POC and endangered a sweet and cuddly mountain lion! And again with the colonization! Everyone knows that the land only belongs to noble natives like Elizabeth Warren and affluent progressives who vote the right way, put signs in their yards about what they believe, want to force you to drive electric peanut mobiles and thus deserve to live in a McMansion in the beautiful San Juan mountains while assuaging their pseudo-white guilt! Shut your mouth and learn your place tout de suite! Want to try again?
Me: Well…uh…uh. I have a dog.
Twitter: Go on.
Me: He’s very sweet, he likes to cuddle and play. He has a little blankie he likes to sleep on and has his favorite toys. And he’s really good with the grandkids. He’s also a great watchdog.
Twitter: And?
Me: Well um, he just came back from the vet. We had him neutered.
Twitter: Oh! Well, that’s nice! She’s transgender and now she identifies as female!
Me: No, actually he still answers to his name. I still call him “boy,” “buddy” and “pal”. Sometimes I even call him “dude” or “son.” I’m pretty sure he still identifies as a boy dog.
Twitter: PERMANENT BAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I could tell Rubin one thing I’d say stay the course. If I could tell him two things it would be to quit airing cuts from “The View.” If I want that experience I’ll replace my bathroom tissue with #40-grit sandpaper.
If I could tell the rest of you one thing it would be this: Isn’t it time we greeted Twitter—with its suspensions and bans—with the national dry fart it deserves? I mean, if your identity truly hangs on the fate of Ellen Page’s breasts, leave this site immediately and go find a sale at your local Lululemon outlet. You are part of the problem. For some strange reason, we keep giving things like Twitter, CNN, et al. credibility. I know ignoring them won’t make them go away, but serious people should just walk away.
In the interim, someone please let Twitter know that I have gone ahead and preemptively canceled myself and don’t care. Also, let them know that my pronouns are drop/dead. I gotta go start the grill.
*Actually we did go hiking Monday and we did see a mountain lion, which really is rare and cool.
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