God Bless America, and God Bless Meghan Markle

AP Photo/Frank Augstein

Yes, yes, I know. I’m well aware of how I’m supposed to feel about Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex and veteran of some USA Network original series about lawyers or something. “She’s a liar! She’s a diva! She’s a gold-digger! She’s just using those poor, poor royals as a stepping stone! She should be grateful for what she has, instead of whining about how racist her in-laws are!” All of that is true. And here’s something else that’s true: Meghan Markle has done more to disrupt the British monarchy than George Washington ever could’ve dreamed.

If you’re not a student of history, here’s a quick recap: America used to be run by the king of England, but the colonies didn’t like how that was going. So they kicked some Redcoat ass until those limeys left us to our own affairs. Here, this educational video explains it:

No more kings! For the last few centuries, we haven’t needed to do what any king or queen tells us to do. And because of that freedom, America has flourished so much that from time to time we’ve even helped out our former oppressors. “Oh, you’re losing a war with the Nazis? Fine, we’ll see what we can do.” “What’s that, you’ve got four adorable mop-tops who want to sell a few records? Sure, send ’em across the pond and we’ll have Ed Sullivan take a look.” “That odd-looking chap with the unpronounceable name is good at playing Sherlock Holmes? Okay, he can be Dr. Strange.” We’re a gracious people, we Americans, and we’re willing to let bygones be bygones.

Or at least that’s our cover story.

What if — and I’m just speculating here — what if we’re not so magnanimous after all? What if the last 250 years of world history were just part of a long game? What if the “special relationship” between the U.S. and the UK was the prelude to the dismantling of the British royal family? What if we’ve just been softening up those Brits, getting them to drop their guard, so we can send in a specially trained deep-cover agent to seduce the most vulnerable royal of them all and implode the monarchy from within?

What if James Bond really exists, and she’s a black chick from Canoga Park?

Can you imagine what the Founding Fathers would say if they could see us now? Finally, we’re finishing what they started, and that brave, selfless woman is the tip of the spear.

Meghan Markle is an American hero and I’m tired of pretending she isn’t. Not only will I vote for her when she inevitably runs for president, but I’ll petition to have her face added to Mount Rushmore. She might not be the first woman of color to become POTUS (sorry, Joe, hang in there as long as you can), but she’s the first woman of color to strike at the very heart of America’s first and greatest foe.

If you doubt me, consider the most important metric in 2021: Twitter trends. #AbolishTheMonarchy is trending! The seed has been planted. Our job now, my fellow Americans, is to nurture that seed and watch it grow and flourish.

And the best part is, the Brits have to just sit there and take it. Meghan’s got Harry by the short and curlies, and she’s not letting go. Sure, Piers Morgan will go on a tweetstorm, their little country’s talking heads will jabber about her on “breakfast telly” or whatever, but they can’t do squat about it. Markle will keep on playing them like a fiddle. And as a red-blooded American, I couldn’t be more proud.

Sorry not sorry, Britain. America doesn’t need a queen, because Meghan is our KWEEN.

Put that in your tea and gulp it!