News & Politics

United Nations Gets Back to Important Work of Policing Gendered Language

(AP Photo/Mark Lennihan)

As the world starts to reopen again, it’s tough to tell if we’re on the other end of the coronavirus crisis or just in a temporary lull. For every encouraging sign, there seems to be an equally discouraging one. We can only hope that the worst is over. But what you’re about to see is definitely good news: Our moral, ethical, and intellectual betters are going back to scolding us about things that don’t matter. Life is getting back to normal!

If you’ve ever been skeptical about the need for the United Nations, the following isn’t going to help:

It’s good to know that all the other problems in the world have been solved. Whew!

Well, sure, this all makes complete sense. Why would you say “mankind” when you can say “humankind”? Why call someone a “landlord” when she might not be a lord at all, no matter what her chromosomes say? Isn’t it a bit insensitive to use antiquated phrases like, “I now pronounce you husband and wife”? Isn’t it just more natural to say, “I now pronounce you spouse and spouse”?

I’m not sure this goes far enough, though. What about people who don’t identify as a person at all? What if you’re transitioning from a human being into a dragon, like this man woman dragon?

Is this individual really part of “humankind”? Isn’t such thinking outdated?

Why, some otherkin don’t identify as living beings at all. They’re just speaking their truth when they tell us they’re vampires or zombies or Jared Leto. Are you really arrogant enough to tell them that they’re wrong?

And if you agree that we’re all one, there’s no need to refer to individual entities at all. Why not use a more inclusive word, like “glorb”?

Yes, it is so a real word. And a wonderful word at that. Here, look at all the hate speech you can easily avoid in your everyday conversations:

BAD: Dale is a transgender woman who works as a salesperson, part of the same workforce as her husband, a transgender man named Dana.

GOOD: Glorb is a glorb glorb who works as a glorb, part of the same glorb as glorb glorb, a glorb glorb named Glorb.

Isn’t that more diverse? Isn’t that much better representation? It rolls off the tongue and it fights hate!

There’s literally no good reason not to completely change your way of thinking about these things. You will begin immediately. And as always, you’re welcome.

Whoops, my mistake. Make that: Glorb welcome!

San Antonio City Council Bans ‘Chinese Virus’ as Hate Speech

China Demands, Prevents Coronavirus Investigation