News & Politics

CNN Virus Townhall Features Greta Thunberg for Some Reason

AP Photo/Jason DeCrow

If you think you’re having a tough time right now, just try to put yourself in Greta Thunberg’s velcro shoes. Less than six months ago, that kid was on top of the world that she claimed was ending. She was Time magazine’s Person of the Year. She was a liberal icon. Cameras followed her everywhere. They all wanted to know her opinions about everything. She was the most famous truant child since Huckleberry Finn, and she rode around on a much nicer boat.

Then COVID-19 the Chinese virus came along and ended the whole party. Suddenly, nobody cares what Greta has to say anymore. We’re too busy trying to survive an actual threat, right this minute, to worry about the weather killing us 12 years from now. (It’s always 12 years from now. It was 12 years in 2008, and it’ll be 12 years in 2032.)

If you want to compare the pandemic to the Kennedy assassination, Greta Thunberg is the new Vaughn Meader. Current events gave her an instant career, and then took it away.

So what’s a girl to do?

Go on CNN as a virus expert, that’s what!

That lineup isn’t all bad, I suppose. Besser used to run the Centers for Disease Control, so that makes sense. Sebelius… um… well, just because she oversaw the Obamacare rollout and it was such a disaster that she resigned in disgrace and hasn’t been heard from since, that doesn’t mean she’s not a coronavirus expert. Let’s hear her out.

And then Thunberg. A Swedish teenager who doesn’t go to school. Okay, I guess? She’s an expert on making people panic about invisible dangers, so now she’s switching over from the Angry Sky Gods to the virus. At least this time it’s something that actually exists.

It’s not as if she needs to keep fighting to shut down modern society. The virus has taken care of that for her. Carbon emissions are down, industries are collapsing, lots of people are dying… it’s an environmentalist’s dream. You did it, Greta!

But just because she won that battle, with a little help from the Chinese Communist Party, that doesn’t mean her work is over. She still needs to keep her name out there. Branding is very important. She doesn’t need to know what she’s talking about, regarding the weather or infectious disease or anything else. She just needs to keep finding “journalists” who will put her on TV.

Okay, you can get mad at me now. Sorry to pick on the confused child who keeps getting pushed into the spotlight by her elders for political reasons. My bad!

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