News & Politics

Let's Remember the REAL Victims of the Coronavirus: Mildly Inconvenienced Journalists

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You might think you have problems right now. Perhaps you imagine the coronavirus is having an adverse effect on your life. Maybe you’ve lost your job, or you’re worried it will happen soon. Maybe you’re sick, or your loved ones are sick. Maybe you’ve been cooped up in the house for weeks, terrified that you might be infected and dreading the idea of spreading this disease. Maybe you’re confused about what happens next, and you’ve given up on finding any answers. Maybe this whole crisis has left you sleepless and scattered and filled with despair.

Well, stop whining. You lack perspective. There are actually people out there right now with real problems, and they need our love and support. I’m talking about our moral, ethical, and intellectual betters in the press. They’re currently under the most vicious attack in the history of their profession:

Trump is being rude to them.

“Be nice”? Seriously? What kind of thing is that to say to a person? This guy really is Orange Hitler.

That reporter is taking heavy fire. Step aside, Ernie Pyle! But who is she?

I can’t even imagine what poor Yamiche Alcindor from the PBS NewsHour is going through right now. It really puts my own petty concerns into perspective.

Yamiche is a victim, which is just another word for hero.

Why are you laughing? Stop it. These brave truth-tellers are doing the very important work of pestering and annoying Trump. And that helps everybody because then they feel better about being completely helpless for the past four years, failing again and again and again to stop Trump. He’s such a jerk!

Put yourself in Ms. Alcindor’s shoes for a moment: Sure, she might have a steady, high-profile job. Yes, she has her health in a time of widespread plague. And there’s no doubt that she has the rapturous support of her peers when she’s slightly inconvenienced by a rude public official. She has a lot of privileges you probably don’t have right now, and you might think it’s insane for her to whine about her hurt feelings in the middle of a global disaster.

But you need to shut up about it, because she’s an African-American woman. Do you really want to criticize her and risk having complete strangers on Twitter call you a racist and a misogynist? Next time, try thinking it through.

And no, Trump isn’t this rude to white men. It simply doesn’t happen, ever. Anybody who tells you it happens is a liar, and any “examples” are just fake news.

This is why the media is the least trusted profession in America during this coronavirus disaster: Everybody else is just too stupid to understand how important journalists are.

There’s nobody more crucial to the future of America than our intrepid, firefighting journalists. They’re the only ones standing in the way of oblivion for us all, and their noble sacrifice will be remembered until the end of time.

Just ask ’em!