News & Politics

Tesla Electric Cop Car Runs Out of Juice While Chasing Bad Guy

Tesla Motors Chairman, CEO and product architect Elon Musk, right, and chief designer Franz Von Holzhausen, left, drive the prototype Tesla Model S all-electric 5-door sedan after its unveiling Hawthorne, Calif. The City Council in Downey Calif. (AP Photo/Reed Saxon,File)

The police are supposed to protect and serve. But what’s the point of protecting and serving the public if you’re not protecting and serving Gaia? It’s good to stop crime, but there won’t be any crime at all if everybody gets killed by the weather. That’s why I’m glad to see police departments switching to electric cars. Unlike those dirty gas-burning cars, electric ones are powered by… magic, I think? Goodbye, boys in blue. Hello, guys in green!

There’s just one problem with electric cars, though: You need to remember to plug them in first. KPIX in San Francisco:

A Tesla electric patrol car by the Fremont Police ran low on electricity in the middle of a pursuit, after the department said someone forgot to plug the vehicle into a charger…

“Just slowed down to six miles of battery on the Tesla, so I may lose it here in a sec,” the officer said, according to police radio transmissions. “If someone else is able, can they maneuver into the number one spot?”

Other units took over the pursuit. Police said the chase was called off when it became unsafe, and the suspect vehicle was later found abandoned in San Jose.

The bad guy bolted. He must’ve been pretty wired. Currently, no one has been charged. What a shock. But I’m sure the cops will keep plugging away.

There must be a way to stop this from happening again. The solution is inevitable: We must ban the internal combustion engine. Make everybody walk, or ride horses or bicycles, or whatever. Let’s send our whole civilization back a century. Or even further. Wouldn’t we all be better off living in caves?*

Or maybe you want that Swedish schoolgirl to keep yelling at you…

*You can keep your phone, of course — duh! — but only if you charge it with solar or a hand crank. There’s no need to regress to savagery.