News & Politics

MAGA: Make All Greenlanders Americans

The harbor at the town of Tasiilaq in Greenland. Creative Commons, author Ray Swi-hymn.

When the news broke that President Trump had talked to his advisors about buying Greenland, I did what any cuck RINO traitor (who probably wanted Hillary to win in 2016) would do: I scoffed. Buying Greenland? What a crazy idea. Oh, that Trump!

But after giving it some thought and taking a cursory glance at Greenland’s Wikipedia entry, I’m starting to like the idea. Why not MAGA: Make All Greenlanders Americans? As Stephen Kruiser notes: “We haven’t done a major real estate deal in over 150 years and we’re certainly not picking up any new territory via warfare these days.”

Here are six perfectly good reasons for the United States to buy Greenland:

1. We can finally rename it. Every schoolkid knows that Greenland is icy and Iceland is green. Whose stupid idea was that? If we buy Greenland, we can finally end this needless confusion. Greenland should have a name more befitting its historical significance. Suggestions: Trumpland, Trump Island, Trumptopia, Trumpstralia, Isle of Trump.

2. The Inuits are basically Americans by default anyway. Most Greenlanders Trumplanders are Inuits whose ancestors emigrated from Alaska hundreds of years ago. Alaska is ours now, and rightfully so. Now we just need to complete the set. Plus, we’d be spit-roasting Canada, which would really annoy those Canucks.

3. Plenty of room for condos and strip malls and office buildings. Greenland Trumpland is the least densely populated territory in the world, with only 0.13671 people per square kilometer. (Whatever a kilometer is.) We can do better than that! The great Jon Gabriel saw this glorious vision of the future:

4. It’ll own the libs. If you’re a Democrat, you have to loudly oppose any idea Trump has or else all your pals will think you don’t hate Trump enough. No matter how much sense it makes to buy Greenland Trumpland and do something useful with it for a change, libs have to throw a fit about it. Doing the right thing here would produce a lot of crazy tweets from lefties, so that would be pretty funny.

5. It’s a refuge from global warming. Sure, Greenland Trumpland is freezing cold and mostly covered in ice… for now. But if you really believe climate change will make the continental U.S. uninhabitable, shouldn’t you be looking for someplace to relocate? Future generations of Trumplanders will sing your praises as they bask in their tropical paradise.

6. Why not? We’re the United States of America. We put a man on the moon. We invented Coca-Cola, heavier-than-air flight, and the Avengers. We elected Trump. We can do whatever the hell we want, and whoever doesn’t like it can step off. Denmark? What’s a Denmark?

Hang in there, Greenlanders Trumplanders. We’ll rescue you from obscurity and rampant Danishness. MAGA!