News & Politics

Earth Day Is About Being Scolded by Celebrities

Today is Earth Day, and you know what that means: It’s time to get scolded for living in the world! Environmentalists are better than you because their entire identity is centered around believing as much, so you will sit there and take your punishment. You’ll hear the same crap you heard last year, and the same crap you’ll hear next year, such is their commitment to recycling.

There’s no point in saving the planet if nobody sees you doing it, which is why the environmentalist movement needs celebrities. The other day Emma Thompson brought about tangible, lasting change by flying 5,000 miles to march against airplanes. But was she willing to shave off all her facial hair? Was she ready to make that sacrifice for Gaia? Jason Momoa is. He just deforested his whole face!

If you’re not sure how Aquaman shaving off his beard raises awareness, well… now you’re aware he did it, right?

Momoa shot that in Jordan, where he’s currently filming Dune, and presumably he didn’t walk or ride a bicycle to get there. So… the biggest problem with flying all over the world on airplanes is the little bottles of water they give you? Really? Well, he’s very handsome and seems like a good dude, so it’s nice that he’s doing whatever he’s doing with those cans.

Speaking of water, say what you want about Ed Begley Jr., but he’s so committed to conservation that he drinks his own wee-wee. If you have absolutely nothing else to do today, you can watch him do… whatever this is:

Lots of celebs are doing everything they can to save the planet with the mountains of cash they make by despoiling the planet. Did you know Leonardo DiCaprio has invested his own money in something called “vegan meat”? The future depends on this vital research into oxymorons.

Meanwhile, I hope you’ll join me in commemorating Earth Day by doing absolutely nothing differently. George Carlin called it, almost 30 years ago: “The planet has been through a lot worse than us.”

I’ll believe there’s a crisis when the people who tell me there’s a crisis start acting like it. If these guys wanted me to believe they care about the planet, they’d leave it alone. Just imagine all the carbon that wouldn’t be released into the atmosphere if environmentalists would just shut up.

P.S. Credit where it’s due: Ira Einhorn, the man who created Earth Day, ended up killing his girlfriend and composting her remains. What better way to reduce her carbon footprint?