Are you a man? That is to say, are you a genetic male who also happens to identify as a “man,” for some increasingly antiquated reason? If so, are you under the mistaken impression that you’re not a rapist?
Our society has come a long way in shaming men for behaving in any way that anybody anywhere doesn’t like, and reminding men that we’re all complicit even if we don’t behave that way. But it’s not nearly enough. The mere fact of maleness is shameful and problematic. Men and boys everywhere need to be reminded that we’re evil. We must learn to hate ourselves as much as everyone else hates us. The patriarchy must be castrated.
And who better to do it than a company that makes razors?
Gillette is embracing the #MeToo movement in a new digital ad campaign aimed at men, the latest message from an advertiser attempting to change societal norms…
“This is an important conversation happening, and as a company that encourages men to be their best, we feel compelled to both address it and take action of our own,” said Pankaj Bhalla, Gillette brand director for North America in an emailed statement. “We are taking a realistic look at what’s happening today, and aiming to inspire change by acknowledging that the old saying ‘Boys Will Be Boys’ is not an excuse. We want to hold ourselves to a higher standard, and hope all the men we serve will come along on that journey to find our ‘best’ together.”
This is long overdue. #TimesUp, penis-havers!
Here’s Gillette’s first salvo in their war on men. WARNING: Contains depictions of male behavior.
See? See what you’ve done, you repulsive creeps? And don’t you think you could use a shave?
If that didn’t fill you with regret and self-loathing at being a man, then you weren’t one to begin with. Masculinity is more toxic than the plastic in Gillette’s inexpensive disposable razors. I didn’t even realize how rotten and depraved I was until I saw this ad, and now I want to run out and buy as many Gillette products as I can carry.
Gillette has learned that in [current year], it’s not enough for a company to make a product that people want. It’s not enough to make them feel inadequate about themselves, and then sell them the supposed cure for that inadequacy. Consumers, men in particular, must be made to feel worthless. They have to be reminded that their needs and desires are wrong under any circumstances, that their instincts are loathsome, that their very existence is a malignancy, and that they’re responsible for all the world’s ills whether they want to admit it or not.
Now give them your money, you piece of garbage.
If past corporate scolding campaigns are any indication, Gillette will see some pushback from customers who don’t know what’s good for them. When Starbucks introduced their #RaceTogether campaign back in 2015, they were roundly excoriated by racists everywhere. And guess what? Racism continues to this day. Are you going to allow the same thing to happen with sexism, or are you going to go out and buy a Mach3?
I’m proud to be ashamed of being a man, and I applaud Gillette for refusing to let me get away with it. The best a man can get is the bottom of the barrel.
P.S. On a more sincere note, over the weekend I was saddened to learn about the death of cartoonist and comics writer Batton Lash. We never met in person, but a few years back Batton and I became friends online and collaborated on some cartoons and things. He even did the logo for my blog at the Daily Caller. He was a terrific artist, a pioneer in independent comics publishing, and just about the nicest, most encouraging guy on earth. I’ve shared a few of my memories here, and you can find more of his work at ExhibitAPress.com. Rest in peace, Batton.