News & Politics

The Interrogation of Judge Brett Kavanaugh

(Fade in on a small, featureless, windowless room with gray brick walls, lit by a single bulb hanging from the ceiling. In the center of the room is a gray metal table with two gray metal chairs. In one chair, facing the single gray metal door, sits JUDGE BRETT KAVANAUGH. He is unshaven, his suit rumpled and his tie askew. He hasn’t slept in a while. He looks back and forth between the door and his hands clasped before him on the table.)

(The door opens and the INTERROGATOR enters. He looks just like you’d expect him to look. In his hand is a thick gray binder, which he places on the table as he sits down.)

INTERROGATOR: Do you know why you’re here, Judge Kavanaugh?
KAVANAUGH: No. What’s going on?
I: A likely story. Let’s begin. Judge, where were you on the night in question?
K: What?
I: (sighs impatiently) Where. Were. You. On the night. In question?
K: I don’t know. Which night are you talking about?
I: I’ll ask the questions here. Now, where were you?
K: When?
I: When you tried to rape that girl.
K: What? I’ve never tried to rape anyone!
I: So you’ve succeeded?
K: No! What? What is this? What’s going on?
I: (opens binder and leafs through files) It says here that in high school, you called yourself the “treasurer of the Keg City Club.” Care to explain that?
K: What? Yeah, I… That sounds right, I guess? Is that from my yearbook? What does–
I: Describe the activities of this club.
K: What? No, it wasn’t an actual–
I: Do you think of women as human beings?
K: WHAT???
I: (takes pen out of jacket pocket, clicks it, jots something down on notepad) Interesting.
K: This is insane.
I: What was going through your mind as you assaulted that girl?
K: Oh my God! I just told you, I’ve never assaulted anyone.
I: She says you did. Are you calling her a liar?
K: Where was this attack supposed to have happened? When is she saying I did this?
I: (jots down another note, raises eyebrows) Amazing.
K: Look, I demand to know–
I: You don’t make demands here, pal. You gave up that right when you tried to rape that girl.
K: I didn’t try to rape anybody! I’ve never tried to rape anybody! Ever!

(The door opens and a second INTERROGATOR enters. He leans down to whisper into the ear of the first INTERROGATOR, who listens intently, gives KAVANAUGH a knowing look, and then nods. The second INTERROGATOR exits.)

I: Tell me about your law clerks.
K: My law clerks? What about them?
I: You prefer them to have a certain… look. Isn’t that right?
K: What? What does that mean?
I: A certain look. It’s plain English, your… (sneering) “honor.”
K: Is one of my law clerks saying I did something to her?
I: (jots down another note) Wow.
K: This is a nightmare.
I: Do you believe women?
K: Do I believe women… what?
I: It’s a simple question, Judge. Do. You. Believe. Women?
K: I’m not even sure how to answer that. I believe women when they say things that make sense, yes. When there’s evidence to back them up. What–
I: So, women are delusional. Women are liars.
K: What?
I: They’re just decorations and playthings for you to do with as you please, and if they stand up to you, they’re crazy liars. That’s what you just said.
K: Is this Hell? Am I in Hell?
I: Where were you on the night in question?
K: What night, goddammit?
I: Where. Were. You…

(Fade to black.)